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Breaking News: Obama to Sell Burning Man Tickets to Ease Federal Debt

Posted: July 27, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Politics, Satire
Tags: Burning Man, Burning Man 2011, Burning Man Tickets, Debt Ceiling, federal debt, Gold, Obama

Update: Four Days Left to Bid on Obama Burning Man Tickets

Washington, DC (CN) – As part of intense, last minute negotiations with Republicans on raising the national debt ceiling President Obama has offered to sell his and Michelle’s Burning Man tickets.

The President said all profit from the sale of the two tickets will be applied to lowering the federal debt.

It was announced last weekend that BurningMan had sold out for the first time since tickets were introduced at the Burn of 80 AD when it was first held at the Roman Colosseum. Prices for Burning Man tickets rose on global commodity markets when trading opened Monday. The value of a single ounce of Burning Man ticket has now risen faster, higher, and stronger than gold.

“The Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has advised me that under the current economic climate we should be able to haul in about $20,000 a ticket,” said President Obama in a statement in the White House Rose Garden. He was later seen weeping with Michelle as he repacked a dusty set of fire poi and a pink fuzzy full length jacket.

The offer to sell the ticket was accepted by the Republicans and Democrats in a rarely seen moment of honest bi-partisanship.

“As much as I’d love to see Obama in the great state of Nevada wearing a pink tutu spinning poi, sometimes the welfare of the country comes first”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “But just barely.”

“I’m not sure what Burning Man is,” said a confused GOP House Speaker John Boehner. “But I guess it’s better the QE3.”

Obama had been to Burning Man twice before being elected Commander in Chief. He also sold his 2009 tickets, but only for a measly $300 on Craigslist.

CrankyDust Enters BurnerMap.com Fray

Posted: July 26, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Products
Tags: Burner Ticket Riots, BurnerMaps, Burning Man 2011, Crankydust

Lower Haight, SF (CN) – Long time Burner and San Francisco resident has entered into a fray with BurnerMap.com. Cranky was last seen rioting in front of the Burning Man Corp. HQ with other ticketless Burners yesterday. That same day in a bout of productivity not seen in years CrankyDust distributed a press release condemning BurnerMaps.com (see below)

Vague plans for burning BurnerMap.com were mentioned but with few details – more updates to follow.

Breaking News – Ticketless Burners Scuffle with Police at Burning Man Office

Posted: July 25, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
Tags: breaking news, Burning Man, early reports, riots, san francsico, tenderloin, ticketless

update 4:36 pst – the riots earlier in the day have largely dissipated. One car has been set ablaze (don’t worry it was a hybrid), there is a bunch of broken beer bottles around the Tenderloin office front of BurningMan Corp. HQ (like there is everyday) and a couple strange looking people linger muttering complaints who may be Burners, but maybe not.

Catch up on the full story below as it happened.

If Anything else happens related to today’s SF BurningMan ticket riot – it will be updated here on Consumptive Newswire

update 2:07 pst: A combination of SpaceCowboy Unimog funky downtempo House, micro brew, and a nearby marijuana buyers co-op appears to have calmed the situation down. People still angry and ticketless but grooving to the music, blissed out, buzzed.

update: 1:15 pst: Longtime Burner and SF resident CrankyDust is on the scene at the BurningMan HQ ticket riots and gives this report: ‘It’s The Playapocalypse down here – glitter and flames and ticketless people everywhere, total chaos, just like the Burn of ’94 – this is great!

update 12:51 pst: news breaking quickly now – BurningMan reports they’ve hired ~~Hells Angels~~ DPW (even worse), Space Cowboys Unimog to supress rioting. Riot police called off.

update 12:43 pst: Consumptive News has just received official comment from BurningMan Corp. HQ on the Burner Ticket riots:

“We’ve expected this for a while now and all the BM Corp. staff are locked in the panic room drinking a bottle of Jameson’s someone left us from Exodus last year, its good shit.”

~~update: follow events on #fuckyouburningman~~

Tenderloin, SF (CN) – Consumptive News is getting early reports of ticketless Burners scuffling with police and scaring homeless crackheads at BurningMan Inc. Corporate HQ in Tenderloin. One car reported ablaze.

This comes as news spreads that BurningMan has sold out of tickets.

Burning Man Corp. HQ

More Info. as news comes in – please post pics and information in the comments section if you are on the scene.

History of HBGB Kitchen

Posted: July 22, 2011 in BurningMan, HBGBs, History, Silly
Tags: Burning Man, Charles Lindbergh, HBGB, HBGB Kitchen, New Age Beverages, Shit on a Shingle, Sid and Nancy, Syd Barrett, Trader Joes

A the unofficial hagiographer of NectarVillage and 3 time member of HBGB Kitchen crew I thought it was appropriate to write a short history of the HBGB Kitchen and the healing that goes on inside.

HBGB Kitchen 1934

HBGB’s have always been early adopters when it comes to technology at the Burn. We were the first camp at BurningMan to employ an electric Ice Box as they were known at the Burn of 1934. The Ice Box allowed Scooter to serve the first helping of Boulder Ice Cream which was flown in by especially by Charles Lindbergh who was given the playa name ‘Lucky Lindy’ that year for his exploits at Jiffy Lube.

World War Two was a difficult time for everyone in a merciless war that set Burner against Burner, Brother against Brother. At the Burn of 1943 after serving a less than appetizing Vegan-style Shit on a Shingle the Kitchen Crew comprised of Swiss, Russian, Montenegrin and Spanish nationalists came to blows.

Burn of 1943 - Only one person survied this fight to Burn again

The 50s and early 60s saw HBGB Kitchen crew settle into a routine of domestic bliss. However it wouldn’t be until the Burn of 1984 that the Kitchen was moved inside a tent after longtime Kitchen Supremo ‘Mac Biotic’ got heat stroke.

HBGB Kitchen Burn of 1961 Out in the Sun

The late 60s and early 70s saw a rise in the use of psychedelics at the Burn and the HBGB Kitchen. Syd Barret was kitchen lead at the notorious Burn of 1971 which saw a 90% of all meals served in the kitchen spiked with LSD.

Burn of 1971 - Felonoius shortly after eating hummus prepared by Syd Barrett

The 90s saw rapid technological innovation and environmental awareness pervade the HeeBee Kitchen. Meal prep started to happen off the playa a couple days before the Burn in Reno. This lead to the short lived cable access show ‘Sid and Nancy Cook for the Playa.’

Sid & Nancy filming how to make Buckwheat Gazpacho a couple days before the Burn of 1994.

In the GoGo 00s mandatory uniforms during cooking were introduced in order that the cooks be a) More Easily Set on Fire b) Come into Compliance with Environmental Health and Safety Codes around hair getting into the food.

Burn of 2006: Introduction of Mandatory Uniforms

This brief history will end in 2009 when controversy struck the HBGB Kitchen after it was outsourced to Trader Joes in order to save money and in the words of one HBGB that wishes to remain anonymous – ‘TJs Salt and Pepper Potato Chips are the dammed best thing ever invented’.

2009 Burn: HBGB's Kitchen under Trader Joes Management

However many HeeBee and Burner Purists rallied against the fake, industrial, clean feel of the kitchen. It’s rumored in 2011 HBGBs will return to Burner Cooks making wonderful meals of loving grace and bounty as has happened for so many years.

Awesome Burning Man Camp Locator Facebook App.

Posted: July 18, 2011 in Bumblepuss, BurningMan, NectarVillage, Products
Tags: App, Burning Man, Burning Man 2011, facebook, Friend Locator, Theme Camp

Where are you and your friends camping at Burning Man this year?

It’s so confusing and dusty out there.

Not Anymore.

With this awesome app. you can enter in where you’ll be on the Playa and share the info with your friends.

Try It Out NOW-ish…

Demand More Trance at Burning Man

Posted: July 16, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
Tags: Anthem Trance, Burning Man, BurningMan, BurningMan 2011, Nexus, PsyTrance, Trance, Trance Music, Unimog

Update: Many DJ’s are in danger of not getting into Burning Man because they do not have tickets. This is like going into a K-Hole in the Happy Hardcore Room. Yes, its that serious. Read below how you can help change this.

Burning Man has a long and glorious history of participant driven art, music, healing and humor. To lend ahelping hand to this participant driven event Burning Man Corp. simply provides the infrastructure, cheap coffee, wonderfully cold ice, art grants, builds the Man, controls the media, tells you where your theme camp will be, deals with the default world government, sells the tickets, fire control, creates Center Camp and a few hundred other foundational tasks. So one must be careful when asking Burning Man Corp. to take on another layer of responsibility.

But when we have a true, documented ‘market failure’ over several Burns where participants fail to create stuff that is in their obvious self interest I think it is in everyone’s interest that the government, in this case Burning Man Corp. step in and take over.

What’s the howling need not being addressed by Burning Man participants?

Not nearly enough Trance.*

It used to be everywhere on the playa – now maybe a 2 hour set by a lonely Dutch super star is all you get from Opulent Temple.

*And NO! Psytrance most certainly doesn’t count.

Not at All.

We need more Trance. Preferably Anthem Trance. The only way it can be said simpler is with a 125-150 bpm 32 beat phase.

Burning Man is the hegemonic fist of history that will bring it to us.

Our Trance-y Demands:

NEW Uplifting Demand: All Anthem Trance DJs without a ticket be provided one by Burning Man Corp.

1) All sound camps must have one DJ headline with ‘van’ in his surname – yes – that includes you Nexus or should we say ‘van Nexus’.
2) The Unimog and all Art Cars with large sound systems must play at least 25% Trance or be banned by the DMV.
3) Trance Trance Revolution will be given the key corner spot at 10 or 2 o’clock.
4) The Man’s face will be made to resemble Tiesto.
5) A 10% tithe of all revenue generated from BurningMan will be donated to the 501©3 non-profit Trance Development Corporation which helps bring Trance into the schools of the most Trance deprived areas around the globe from the Bronx to Buenos Aires. Sorry Frankie Knuckles & Hernán Cattáneo you don’t count.

Fill out the below petition to demand Burning Man to do what is right in the name of Trance:

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

Obama Sells BurningMan Ticket on Craigslist

Posted: June 14, 2011 in BurningMan, History, News
Tags: 2009, Alex Grey, Barak Obama, Bass Nectar, Burning Man, BurningMan, Chicago, craigslist, fire poi, Inauguration, Obama, President

from the Consumptive Archives

Washington, DC – Shortly after being inaugurated the 44th President of the United States President Obama announced he was selling his BurningMan tickets on craigslist. “I’m totally bummed but if we are as a country to pick ourselves up off the ground and dust ourselves off it would be hypocritical of me to be covered in playa dust.”

President Barak Obama who goes by the playa name ‘Barak Obama’ has been to BurningMan two previous years.

In 2005 he led the Chicago Fire Conclave during their Burn night performance. “You think he gives a good speech? You should see him spin poi” said Bubblebear, a campmate that year.

BM org issued an official response expressing regret and understanding. “I met him down at Human Carcass Wash a few years back and he seems like an ok guy I guess,” said Larry Harvey.

Barack made the statement attending an inaugural Ball put on by BurningMan, named ‘Burning Green Balls 2009’ which featured acts Bass Nectar and showing art by Alex Grey and some crazy motherfucker in a fake fur coat. The President was asked to spin poi for the attendees but the idea was quashed by Secret Service and the president soon left for the next Inaugural Ball on his list. “I got the tickets hella cheap” the President was overheard saying as he left, “but I can totally get $300 on craigslist.”

BurningMan Thunderdome DeathMatch 2011: Ghaddafi

Posted: June 4, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Silly
Tags: 2011, BurningMan, death match, deathguild, floyd mayweather, ghaddafi, juventus, mahgreb, SF Giants, thunderdome, tripoli, war crimes

BREAKING: As Ghaddafi’s regime crumbles in Libya its believe he has fled from one desert to anther, arriving early Monday morning in Gerlach on an Early Arrival Pass.

Deathguild

Every Burn since Roman times BurningMan and Deathguild’s Thunderdome has hosted a DeathMatch between two hardened brigands. In the fight where both win a prize – the sweet silence of everlasting death for one and freedom from imprisonment for the other – this year, 2011, is MUST WATCH DEATHMATCH.

DeathGuild and BurningMan held a joint press conference on the ashes of Empire, NV to announce the first DeathMatch Gladiator:

He’ll hit you as many ways as you can spell his name.

His bizarre fashion sense will blind you like playa dust thrown in your eyes.

He’s as crazy as San Francisco Giants Relief pitcher Brian Wilson.

His lengthy rambling talks will feel like 100 bodyshots.

He’s won more prize money than Floyd “The MoneyMaker” Mayweather.

After stepping in the ring with him you’ll soon be begging for the services of his voluptuous blonde Ukrainian nurse.

Yes folks, weighing in at 10 stone not counting the chemical weapons hidden in his rhinestone covered boxer briefs the 42 time Libyan heavy weight champion and war criminal…

The Terror of Tripoli

The Bashaw of Benghazi

The Marader of the Mahgreb

The Jumping Jehoshaphat of Juventus

wait for it…wait for it…wait for it

Muammar Ghaddafi!

Muammar Gaddafi

At the time of the press release The Colonel was not available for comment. The whereabouts of his secret training facility, rumored to be at a Toureg desert Oasis, hidden from the press and the world.

Stay Tuned to find out which War Criminal Ghaddafi will be facing off against. Because the Man Burns in less than 90 days and justice will Burn even brighter.

PETA files suit against BurningMan

Posted: March 20, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Silly
Tags: Aminals, Anthropocentrism, BurningMan, Federal Injunction, General Electric, Koch Brothers, PETA, Schrodinger's Cat

Wa Wa Wa Washington, DC – Today in federal court the pressure group PETA (People for the Esoteric Treatment of Animals) sought an injunction against the BurningMan festival being held this year. PETA cited rampant anthropocentrism and the events’ ban on animals as the reason for their actions.

“This event is completely biased in favor of humans,” proclaimed a press release from the fringe organization best known for marching on behalf of the right to privacy for Schrödinger’s cat. “The three main tenets of BurningMan isn’t ‘Sex, Trance, Fire’ but ‘Man, Man, mainly white 25-45 year old Man’.”

The ‘Man is Really Awesome Corp.’, the name of the corporate monolith that runs the Nevada based loquacious arts festival issued a short statement in response to the suit.

“We don’t comment on issues currently in the court, especially ones issued by cat people, and certainly not before consulting The Man, man.”

At a press conference held at the DC Office of the controversial Veterinarians for America, a spokesperson for PETA, Persian McBeagle stated their demands for BurningMan in order for them to drop the suit:

1. BurningMan be renamed something less Anthropocentric such as ‘Mainly Water’ or ‘Carbon-based Life Form’

2. The Man at the center of the event be redesigned to incorporate animal features. Perhaps a half man half goat all frat boy Satyr.

3. The ban on animals at the event be rescinded and as reparation for their past ban be given free entry without a ticket for at least five years.

“Just like humans animals deserve one week per year of not having to wear clothes, do 2C-B, and not buy stuff with money,” bayed McBeagle.

Burners sought for comment on Second Life were outraged. Dusty Dalek commented what many approached in game had on their mind. “[2011/03/12 15:36] If Animals are allowed into BurningMan guess who is gonna benefit man? Veterinarians – that’s who man, and you know who owns Veterinarians? General Electric. And you know who own General Electric? The Koch Bothers and they haven’t been to the Burn since 1980. Sellouts. Connect teh dots man.”

A federal judge is expected to rule on the injunction on three weeks.

Tea Party Ask “Is Burning Man Foreign Born?”

Posted: February 17, 2011 in BurningMan, History
Tags: BurningMan, Liquid Coal, Mazzy Star, Old Chruch Slavonic, Oolong, Satire, Teaparty, Transnistria, TV Dinner

BurningMan 2011 News Now

Gerlach, NV – Tea Party Comrades have started organizing in earnest for this years 2011 BurningMan festival. On sites like Townhall, Red State, and Free Republic Tea Party Burners are planning a large theme camp named “Oolong It Don’t Take a Village”. Lead organizer Tommy T-Baggin’ said they expect over 300 Oolong’ers this year.

On the message boards of the nascent Burning Teabagger’s websites a push is gaining momentum to out ‘The Man’ as being foreign born and thus is ineligible to be burnt, exploded, and otherwise destroyed on Bureau of Land Management terra firma under an obscure law championed by 19th Century Kentucky Senator and neo-trade unionist Tuckerite Cassius Clay. If successful the Oolongs would achieve a major coup. The Man has only not been burnt once right after the Bonfire of the Vanities consumed all Burnable Goods in Italy shortly before the infamous Florentine Burn of 1497 where Machiavelli was eaten alive Burn Night as the best possible alternative.

One Oolong Burner ‘Dusty Earl’ reached by Skype was asked why they would want to stop the Man from being Burnt after all these milennia of decadent immolation and Trance music. “Burning Man has been run by a small cabal of goths and hippies.” Said Dusty, “with a foreign born 5th Steel column being right at the center literally and figuratively.”

“These Jacobians claim to be for the future, they claim to be in favor of the towns in the surrounding area – if that’s the case then why is Empire being shut down?” frothed the Earl. “Why will I have to get my Campbells’ Chunky Beef Soup in Reno? Why will I have to find a way to keep my Boca Burgers frozen all the way from Fernley? Do you know how fucking hot it is on the playa?! Why Why Why!!!” he wailed as his scratchy internet Skype call slowly faded like Mazzy Star’s mid-1990s success.

Tea Party Oolongers’ first arrived at BurningMan in 2010 and were immediately boosted by the successful outing of Larry Harvey as having been born in Transnistria or the Pridnestrovian Moldavian Republic for those lacking the gift of brevity rather than Terre Haute, Indiana as Harvey claimed when he ran for the first and only time to become Supreme Overlord of BurningMan in a supremely undemocratic election during an orgy/Alsatian cabinet making session on Baker Beach in 1962. Harvey has since retired and is rumored to live in a dacha on the Black Sea where he runs a human trafficking syndicate and participates in an Old Church Slavonic mens Choir every Saturday Night.

Chief Oolong pre-Playa organizer Dusty Duke said Ooloong It Don’t Take a Village will be run on liquid coal airlifted in daily on a C-130 from West Virginia. The main community event of Oolong will be the dumping of several tons of processed frozen TV Dinners on the playa at Noon Thursday in a historic re-enactment of the Revolutionary Era Tea Party Protest. A spokesperson for the Earth Guardians talking to this reporter on condition of animosity said they plan a counter protest of the event dressed up as Redcoats delivering musket fire involving re-used organic wild harvested lead in the general direction of the Oolongers.

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