Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Victoria, Australia (CN) – Australia’s sole academic journal concerned with cultural issues and stuff, Meanjin, recently published an article about Burning Man that has breathed new life into the slowly dying desert event.

The author of the article makes several controversial claims about Burning Man such as:

“I worried about the penises…”

“Burning Man began in 1986 on Baker Beach in San Francisco…”

“…bizarre goat-slapping ceremonies involving ridiculous paper-mache goats…” [Editors Note: Fact -There was no paper-mache, that goat was made of asbestos and transcendence.]

Founded by makers of fine cold Australian brew, VB, Meanjin has been published off and on more or less quarterly since 2009.  Since the issue was published around beer o’clock on Wednesday the reaction has been mainly positive.

“We think the reaction has been good,” said Meanjin Editor Sally Heath reached at a payphone at the Laundry Bar in Fitzroy.   “It’s hard to say really.  We don’t allow comments and integration with the Facebook and the Twitter is a bit bourgeoisie.  We’re working class.  I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead in Vaucluse, even to visit my parents.”

Sally enjoys a word with her sponsor

“Meanjin will almost certainly have a themecamp at the Burn this year,” enthused article author Simone Ubaldi.  “The theme ‘Wild West’ is a bit lame, but we’ll make due.  20,000 hippies aren’t going to mock me in your article are they?”

“20,000 hippies can go to hell,” screamed Burning Man founder Larry Harvey from a scratchy payphone near his winter dasha on the Black Sea.  “The Burn has felt a bit flat since, well, at least Green Man.  This article is just the ‘Melbourican Quicksilver’ we need to jump start the event back to life.”

Australian classic 'Young Einstein' was watched by dozens in 2011

Oolong Burners, a branch of the American Tea Party movement expressed concern for the growing Antipodean influence at the event north of Reno.

“The Kiwis were all over The Temple of Transition this year,”  said Oolong Spokesperson Tommy T-Baggin responding via e-mail. “You couldn’t get within 50 metres, I mean yards and if I did mean meters I’d spell it the American way…anyhoo… Ashram Galatica was positively smashed with Aussies.  If we don’t watch it Alice Springs will be the new Gerlach in no time.  Have you ever been to the Walmart in Alice Springs?  Me neither, but $10 says it’s terrible.”

Over the years Meanjin has achieved notoriety in it’s homeland for taking on various cultural taboos including:

  • Top 10 places to Purchase Heroin in Redfern
  • Gee Twenty – The Average Australian Vocabulary and John Howard
  • Essendon vs Collingwood – Why Victorian Sports Suck
  • Burning Beds – Cultural Hegemony and Midnight Oil
  • Flight of the Reactionaries  – The False Consciousness of Kiwi Humor

Corrido till the World Ends

Why Mariachi?

The Four Horsemen went Union a long time ago and in these hard economic times the administrators of the 2012 Mayan End Times ® just couldn’t hack the benefits package.

Bleakhouse, IA (CN) – Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul finished third in last night’s Iowa Caucuses disappointing Mugwumps in their native Dagestan.

“We overestimated the number of Caucasians in Iowa no doubt about it,” said Mugwump leader Andrew Sullivan from his lair in the Dagestan capital of Cape Cod.  “And we really shouldn’t have written those newsletters.  In our defense it was our first foray into politics since 1908 when that shit would have worked.”

Andrew Sullivan Pontificates on Ron Paul

The Mugwumps were bolstered in February of 2011 when they were credited with Ron Paul’s Straw Poll Win at the CPAC Conference.  A recent poll surge by Paul in Iowa led many of them to believed they could bring their success to the American Caucuses.

The American Mugwump Association (AMA) released a terse press release this morning stating:

“We are disappointed in Iowa.  Santorum?  Really?  But we remain hopeful.  There are many Caucasians in New Hampshire and other primary states.  Ron Paul will pull through this.  Watch out for another Moneybomb from us soon.”

The New Hampshire Primary takes place on January 10th.  Paul has a strong base in the state and is expected to show well.

Gerlach, NV (CN) As we exit 2011 and crash into 2012 Consumptionblog looks back at the year in BurningMan.  As always ‘The Event North of Reno’ was chock full of more controversy than a soon to be ex-couple arguing about what it means to ‘just be poly on the playa’ in the predawn post coital light.

From Obama to Riots, the End of the World to the NFL, Daftpunk to Hippies, Consumptionblog presents to you the Top Six Burning Man Stories of 2011:

1. The Kenyan who Came from Hope and but Returned to Black Rock City topped the list this year:
Obama To Sell Burning Man Tickets to Ease Federal Debt
2. If it bleeds it leads still rings true in the digital clouds of blogland:
Ticketless Burners Scuffle with Police at Burning Man Office
3. As usual the French come in 3rd:
Daft Punk Cancels Burning Man Appearance
4. The Cultural War Continue to Rage:
Hippies vs Ravers Battle for Supremacy on the Playa
5. Despite the NFL and Burning Man having less than zero in common, they’ve decided to work together:
Burning Man Implements NFL Draft to Sell Tickets
6. The End of the World will be a bigger story in 2012:
New Age Survival Backpack – While Supplies and the Planet Lasts
-And Finally Bonus Burner News Now-
The Question was Finally Asked:
Is Burning Man Foreign Born?
Chris Hitch, meh

Some who know me may be surprised to learn I was no fan of Christopher Hitchens.  The jaded raver in me with a satirical disposition often described in mono-syllabic words ranging from ‘dry’ to ‘dark’ should find something to like and admire about Hitchens right?

To a point.

I always saw Hitchens as a drunk that could win an argument, any argument, with a bit of panache, bile and wit.  I always saw myself as a drunk who could lose an argument, any argument, with a bit of panache, bile and wit.  To the extent that is true, we are polar opposites.

When William S. Burroughs is your hero growing up the idea of Hitchens as some sort of wild eyed contrarian always struck me as not quite right.  Is there anything more mundane than a well educated, equal parts charming and maddening Englishman endlessly drinking, chain smoking and calling Mother Theresa a cunt?

If he was such a contrarian why such fawning remembrances  of him in every milquetoast, middlebrow ‘merican magazine from The Nation to Reason, Salon to Slate, Andrew Sullivan to surely the most pseudo-intellectual feel good grocery store checkout line purchase of the late 20th century for which he wrote, Vanity Fair?

He was prolific to be sure, an admirable virtue to this late blooming lowly blogger.  An entertaining writer and talk show guest no doubt; though one should remember his lackluster competition.  I liked Hitchens best at his arguably least popular in the 90s attacking the Clinton’s and their whole enterprise for being conniving, blood thirsty and the ultimate in the American version of shallow, banal evil.  His militant atheism left this godless heathen cold.  One of the things I abhor about organized religion is precisely its militancy and fundamentalism.  It is no less of a buzzkill when issued from an atheist.  His advocacy of western-led genocide in Iraq and the Middle East always struck me as the pose of an adolescent: ‘Daddy Liberal believes X so I’m going to advocate Y in the most boorish way possible to really piss him off’ and right in the middle of the shopping mall.

My best comparison for Hitchens would be Huxley’s Chrome Yellow.  Well written.  Intellectual.  Satirical.  Dry.  Occasionally brilliant.  But please, more scenes with Barbecue-Smith!  Perhaps a couple good doses of the psilocybin and LSD Huxley would later use could of pushed ‘Hitch’ beyond the rascally English rebel every Beltway pundit could love and admire.

The following bit of poorly written and crude Burning Man satire is in advocacy for  Wild Horses and Renegades and Protect Mustangs in their campaign to stop the round up of Wild Horses in the Gerlach area and all BLM landGet Informed and Spread the Word.

You're 2012 DPW Crew

Gerlach, NV (CN) – We now have it straight from the horses mouth.  As announced earlier starting in 2012 Wild Horses will replace all human DPW staff. Burning Man Board member Ruud Van Nistelrooy went on record today confirming what had been rumored for weeks in the Burnersphere.

Straight from the Dutch Horse's Mouth

The equus based move is likely to be seen as only slightly less controversial than the move to a NFL Draft style lottery to distribute tickets.

Factors for the move were multiple and various.  A leaked memo from a Burning Man Corp Board meeting outlined some of the reasons it was replacing DPW humans with wild horses.

*Reasons 1 through 5 – Sanitation: Wild Horses shit a lot less in the middle of the street.

A few less important considerations:

*Drugs: Methamphetamine use is dramatically lower among the Wild Horse Community.  Some wild horses that escape from Horse Racing are known to foster vicious lasix and ketamine addictions, but they are thought to be few and far between.

* Environmental: Wild Horses in the Gerlach area are threatened with being rounded up to make way for mining concerns.  Employing them in DPW would keep them in the area and allow them to fight the bad mining companies.

*Financial: Wild Horses are simply cheaper to employ than DPW.  No HR, No Workman’s Comp.  No Punching out Sheriffs Deputies in Gerlach.  Like a vegan theme camp all they require is a lot of water, carrots and oats.

*Revenge: Burning Man Corp. has wanted to put Bruno’s Country Club out of business for years.

Revenge, like Bruno's Beer is Best Served Luke Warm

*2012 Theme ‘Wild West‘: After it was announced last week to little fanfare Burning Man Corp. Board believed the theme needed a little ‘giddy up’.   Wild horses were though the best way for ‘Wild West’ to earn it’s spurs.

*Violence:  Thunderdome has been a damp squib on the ass of Burning Man’s pugilistic endeavors for some time now.  Getting some Wild Horses drunk on PBR and Jamesons and putting them in the dome will help re-capture the DeathGuild Magic.

8 Hooves Will Enter, 4 Will Leave

*Marketing:  Mick Jagger Burner and Rolling Stones front man will sing an A Capella version of ‘Wild Horses’  on Saturday Night before the Man Burns as part of a new Budweiser ad campaign.  The revenues will keep ticket prices from growing more than 20%.

*Envy:  The Trojan Horse was fucking bad assed.

Yeah, I'm all that and a Bag of Oats

* Sparkle Ponies need all the help they can get.

'You forgot your water? That's ok, you look Fabulous!

Re-action to the News by Burners was generally positive.

The always popular camp ‘Pancake Playhouse‘ SpokesDiva Kat DeBurgh told Consumptionblog, “Pancake Playhouse will not be veering from our time-honored Krusteaz-mix-plus-water approach to making pancakes, but I can promise that anyone who brings their own plate to our kitchen can have as much maple syrup as they can pump, regardless of species.” Kat paused to breathe in a particularly electrifying libretto in The Marriage of Figaro before continuing, “Opposable thumbs are not required (though they may be helpful). As is our tradition each year, our White Trash Friday pancakes will feature Pabst Blue Ribbon in the batter – a taste we think will satisfy both you AND the horse you rode in on! We are, as always, happy to take soft rock requests from our guests but I must warn you that we will play “Horse With No Name” no more than twice each morning.”

Another Burner who asked we use only his first name ‘Syd’ is connected with one of the major soundcamps at BurningMan.  ‘Syd’ was mystified with what genre of electronic dance music the more rave inclined equine DPWers will like.  “I don’t like to self promote but will I be opening for Armin van Burin or some dubstep act?  But really I just want to know.”

“Do horses like Dubstep?

HeeBeeGeeBee Healers is already working on ways to make sure a few of the massage tables can accommodate the larger new DPW staff.  HBGB Healers Head Honcho Scooter told Consumptionblog, “Horses tend to gravitate towards Thai massage which is done on the ground but we’ll have a couple tables set up for them so the Deep Tissue and Rolfer folks can get in there deep.”

The gay Burner community is already having heated discussions about whether ‘Barebacking’ would come back in vogue.

At press time no anthropocentric former DPWer would go on record with Consumptionblog.  We are working on an exclusive interview which should appear soon.

The City of Oakland quietly announced it would be beefing up it’s police presence during the Burn to prevent drunk, menacing, out of not really getting payed work DPWers from rampaging through Temescal.

Many problems and questions remain unanswered this far away from the 2012 Burn, but insiders within BurningMan Corp told us not to put the cart before the DPW.

More as this story develops.

Washoe County, NV (CN) – In a late night action Black Rock Rangers raided the OccupyBurners camp in the former town of Empire.  There were no reports of injuries or violence during the raid.

After a brief, intense Roman Candle Battle between OccupyBurners and BRC Rangers 26 Burners were turned over to the Washoe County Police for deportation to a dodgy casino in Carson City.  An estimated 50 other Burners began a 10 hour Exodus to the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno to begin Post-Occupation Decompression [POD] and catch a show by techno act Pretty Lights.

A spokesperson for Washoe County Sheriff Department talked to Consumptionblog after the raid.

Why was the raid conducted?:

“We removed the Burners for their own good – it’s cold out there, their domes are not up to winter in the high desert.  Crotchless pink jeans and burn barrels just don’t cut it.”

Why did you employ volunteer Black Rock Rangers to go in first?

“We saw what happened at UC Davis.  A lot of our officers look like Lt. Pike.  Some are even related.  There was no way we were going in there with force to remove Burners.  We contacted the Burning Man folks and they said there were plenty of Alpha Hippie Rangers who would take time off work, gather their carabines, khaki and buttons and impose order where it was needed.”

A handful of Burners had begun Occupation of the hamlet of Empire, NV after the 2011 Burn.  Empire had been abandoned earlier in the year after US Gypsum Corp. closed down operations at the gypsum mine as the housing market left it’s mortal coil.  Gypsum is the main ingredient in drywall, a key component to building shit like houses.

A SpokesBurner for OccupyEmpire ‘Gypsum Rose’ answered questions via Twitter during Exodus.

“#ows We are the 99% of Washoe County #occupyburners #occupyempire”

“We demanded the 1% of Washoe County return to Gypsum Mining #ows #occupyburners”

“Burners Built some awesome domes, a library, communal kitchen in Empire.  Comfort and Joy donated a gym. #occupyempire #ows”

“The new #lottery system benefits only the rich Burners #BurningMan #OWS”

“Rangers are now officially worse than Placement #BurningMan #OWS #OccupyBurningMan”

“We don’t want to go back to Oakland.  #oo #OWS #MrFloppysFlophouse”

It’s rumored that the ruins of Empire will be used as a home for wild horses being brought in to replace DPW at the 2012 Burn.

Update: Confirmed!

BURNING MAN 2012 BREAKING NEWS!

Gerlach, NV (CN) – A trusted anonymous source within the Burning Man machine has just told Consumption News that starting in 2012 Wild Horses will replace all human DPW staff. If true the equus based move will be seen as only slightly less controversial than the move to a NFL Draft style lottery to distribute tickets.

Wild Horses stream towards Gerlach to submit job application

It’s believed that the equine outsourcing is in line with the long predicted 2012 theme announced last week:

Burning Man 2012 Theme: ‘Wild West’

Consumption News investigative journalists are hard at work gathering more facts about these two breaking developments.  At press time no one at Burning Man would go on record.  Until we can get more facts it would be irresponsible to speculate further.

Stay Tuned to Consumptionblog.com for more details as they break.

 

 

Tenderloin District, San Francisco (CN) – Many Burners would be hard pressed to name any similarities between the National Football League (NFL) and Burning Man.  However that’s all about to change.  In an effort to alleviate last years chaos that engulfed San Francsico in riots when Burning Man sold out of tickets without warning the governing Board of Directors have taken a page from the NFL playbook.

Starting in 2012 all 50,000 Burners to be granted tickets to Nevada’s 5th largest stadium north of Reno will have to make themselves eligible for an NFL style draft.

“With its well known connections to the Mob, Sparkle Pony Fans, and heavy use of performance enhancing drugs by the participants, known as ‘players’ the NFL was a natural model for Burning Man to emulate,” said event founder Larry Harvey at a press conference announcing the move.

Sparkle Hogs at Skins Burn of 2010

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

“Like the NFL we’ve taken steps to make sure the draft happens quickly, without too much second guessing and speculation and live on ESPN.”

Burning Man Draft 2012 Rules:

1. All those interested in entering the Burning Man draft fill out a simple ‘baseball card’ style application process with valid credit card number by January 5th.

2. After being printed the cards are randomly distributed by a professional Vegas Poker Dealer to the 17 Board of Directors who shall be seated at a large round table.  After a designated time of no more than one hour the Directors will each pick a #1 Burner Draft Pick (BDP) from their respective piles.

3. The #1 Burner Draft Picks of each Burning Man Corp. Director will be awarded the right of ”’primae noctis” with any virgin Burners they choose during the event.

4. After the #1 Burner Draft Picks are paraded in the front of the media, the Board of Directors will be locked in a conference room at the Grand Sierra Resort for no less than one month.   The remaining 49,883 Burners will be drafted based on a combination of the rules of proportional representation used to elect members of the Israeli Knesset and the card-based role playing game Magic: The Gathering.

It's as Simple as it is Exciting

5. Exceptions to the draft are French Electronic Duo Daft Punk, Chicken Jon, anyone with the word ‘dusty’ in their playa name and Barack and Michele Obama. These beloved Burners automatically get gifted tickets.

6. Those who qualify for discount or scholarship tickets after being drafted will be required to de-moop DISTRKT and the other large Sound Camps for one week after the event ends.

7. Finally, depending on what your draft number is, how many Burns you can prove you’ve been to as well as who on the Board drafts you will determine where you are allowed to camp and what day you can arrive at the event North of Reno.  This is based on a mathematical formula some DPW folks came up during a weekend bender at Bruno’s Country Club.

Example: Mary Jane Playa Crotch is a five time Burner and is drafted #23,614 by Chip Conley 14 days  and three hours into the draft.  This determines that Mary Jane will be camping with Comfort and Joy and will be allowed to arrive no earlier than Wednesday of the event.  Her credit card is then charged, she is notified via e-mail and Board Members move on to Draft Pick #23,615.

“No one said being on the Board of Directors is all Bacon and Jiffy Lube,” said Made Marian, long time Burner and Burning Man’s Organized Crime Liaison.  “But we believe the process will be thorough, Byzantine, and mind numbingly comprehensive.”

Speculation has already begun on who will be the #1 Draft Pick. Early betting in Vegas currently has five time Burner, Yoga Instructor and tribal hipster known only as ‘Ashley’ as the 3 to 5 favorite.

I  ♥ the NFL Draft

“I can tell you who won’t be the #1 Pick,” said ESPN Burning Man Analyst Little Spoon.  “Tim Couch and JaMarcus Russell that’s who.  While they have great playa names, if you can’t hack it in the NFL you certainly can’t hack it at one of the harshest environments on earth.”

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