Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

What Shampoo does Michael Shannon use when Apocalyptic Doom is imminent?

Take Shelter with Alba Botanica's Hawaiian Shampoo Product Line

That’s right folks, Alba Botanica Hawaiian Shampoo featuring Honeydew Gloss Boss.

For glossy sheen, take a permanent vacation from the harsh, hole digging horror show of Paul Krugman’s white reactionary Ohio. Instead, discover this shine-inducing shampoo, a residue-lifting cleansing experience. Honeydew extract, awapuhi and pineapple nourish and revive hair for vibrant shine. Hydrolyzed protein binds the hair cuticle creating a smooth, reflective, glossy shine. Dull, lifeless hair is gently cleansed and revitalized. Aloha beautiful.

100% Vegetarian. No: Animal Testing, Charles Murray, Artificial Colors, Parabens, Phthalates, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate or Sodium Methyl Sulfate

At over $10 for a 12 oz. bottle budget conscious Jessica Chastain should be more concerned with shampoo than the cost of a new tornado shelter.

Milf Valley, CA (CN) – Ticketless Burners are threatening to sue Dr. Seuss due to the popularity of the Burning Man themed viral video Ohh the Places You’ll Go!’  Burners who were denied tickets in the controversial Burning Man ticket lottery blame the delightful, whimsical Seussian verse for driving many non-Burners to sign up for and ultimately receive tickets.

"I won't say shit till I talk to my lawyer"

According to Andie Grace, spokesperson for the Event North of Reno on the Burning Blog:

“One such participant shared a magical YouTube video he created in 2011 (“Oh The Places You’ll Go!”) – the link hit the Huffington Post in January and went viral, eventually hitting 1.3 million views from all around the world; its visibility peaked right around the day that ticket registration opened.”

Burners considering unorthodox action to gain tickets and/or gleeful self-righteous satisfaction to this years Burning Man say the lawsuit is only one of their tools.

“We’d sue the great weather at the 2011 Burn if we could,” stated one Burner who wished to remain anonymous.  “Most likely we’ll just go to Symbiosis.

Dr. Seuss supporters responded from their compound in Mt. Soledad saying  the Doctor would plead innocence by reason of mortality.

Other 2012 Burning Man Ticket News:

Burning Man Looks to NFL for Ticket Distribution

Sex & Community Threaten Burning Man 2012

Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote

Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.

The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment.  Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul.  At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.

Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV

“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery.  That’s not in the Constitution.  If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”

Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.

Not So Fast, 2012 Burners!

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The organization that runs The Event North of Reno (TENR Corp.) has revealed that the new ticket scheme in place for Burning Man 2012 – the so-called ‘Ticket Lottery of Destiny’ (TLOD) is being threaten by Burners procreating and having a sense of community.

Hundreds of thousands of people have registered for the 1st round of tickets under the new scheme, modeled on the NFL draft.  Only 40,000 will be drafted this week meaning many Burners will not get tickets. Many tickets will now be threatened with entering the secondary market via scalpers, StubHub and other barely legal resale parasites.

Caught unaware of Burners proclivity towards creativity and organization, event spokesperson Will Chase lamented in a recent blog post, “Turns out, people are VERY EAGER to go to Burning Man this year.”  Pausing to look out the Burning Man office window at the gathering crowd of angry Burners, “So much so, in fact, that they found creative ways to increase their odds of getting tickets in the Main Sale.  It seems that people likely got their friends, family and campmates to order tickets as well.”

Thousands of regrettable children and embarrassing in-laws have been created since the early 90s when Burning Man really got its mojo and ‘Fertility 1.0’ started in earnest.  Many of those playa love children are now old enough to own credit cards and have reserved two tickets in their name after their Burner parents requested it.

'Whoever Reserved a Ticket for your Parents Touch Your Toes'

Dusty Lentil, who has organized the hippie Counter-Raveformation revival at Burning Man in past years says many in his hippie cohort learned the tactic as a way of securing tickets to Phish.  “Dude when Phish did four nights at Red Rock back in ’09 they had a similar ticketing system.  I made sure even my great Aunt Vera put her name in for two tickets.  Man, that show, they opened up with ‘Divided Sky’ and…”

19 years old Fire Williams was reached by phone while he campaigned for Newt Gingrich in Florida. He reserved two tickets even though he has no intention of attending the event.  Conceived at the Burn of ’92 Fire has not been back.

“My parents are divorced, but they still go to the Burn every year.  My mom camps with ‘Kostume Kult’ and my Dad, ‘Comfort and Joy’.  Signing up for tickets for them is an easy way to show I still care even though I still spend most my time trying to royally piss them off.”

The Burn is Fucked!

Experts predict the ticket situation will only worsen in future Burns as the newly announced theme for 2012, ‘Fertility 2.0‘, spawns thousands of acts of unprotected, baby-making, ticket holding playa loving’.

Victoria, Australia (CN) – Australia’s sole academic journal concerned with cultural issues and stuff, Meanjin, recently published an article about Burning Man that has breathed new life into the slowly dying desert event.

The author of the article makes several controversial claims about Burning Man such as:

“I worried about the penises…”

“Burning Man began in 1986 on Baker Beach in San Francisco…”

“…bizarre goat-slapping ceremonies involving ridiculous paper-mache goats…” [Editors Note: Fact -There was no paper-mache, that goat was made of asbestos and transcendence.]

Founded by makers of fine cold Australian brew, VB, Meanjin has been published off and on more or less quarterly since 2009.  Since the issue was published around beer o’clock on Wednesday the reaction has been mainly positive.

“We think the reaction has been good,” said Meanjin Editor Sally Heath reached at a payphone at the Laundry Bar in Fitzroy.   “It’s hard to say really.  We don’t allow comments and integration with the Facebook and the Twitter is a bit bourgeoisie.  We’re working class.  I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead in Vaucluse, even to visit my parents.”

Sally enjoys a word with her sponsor

“Meanjin will almost certainly have a themecamp at the Burn this year,” enthused article author Simone Ubaldi.  “The theme ‘Wild West’ is a bit lame, but we’ll make due.  20,000 hippies aren’t going to mock me in your article are they?”

“20,000 hippies can go to hell,” screamed Burning Man founder Larry Harvey from a scratchy payphone near his winter dasha on the Black Sea.  “The Burn has felt a bit flat since, well, at least Green Man.  This article is just the ‘Melbourican Quicksilver’ we need to jump start the event back to life.”

Australian classic 'Young Einstein' was watched by dozens in 2011

Oolong Burners, a branch of the American Tea Party movement expressed concern for the growing Antipodean influence at the event north of Reno.

“The Kiwis were all over The Temple of Transition this year,”  said Oolong Spokesperson Tommy T-Baggin responding via e-mail. “You couldn’t get within 50 metres, I mean yards and if I did mean meters I’d spell it the American way…anyhoo… Ashram Galatica was positively smashed with Aussies.  If we don’t watch it Alice Springs will be the new Gerlach in no time.  Have you ever been to the Walmart in Alice Springs?  Me neither, but $10 says it’s terrible.”

Over the years Meanjin has achieved notoriety in it’s homeland for taking on various cultural taboos including:

  • Top 10 places to Purchase Heroin in Redfern
  • Gee Twenty – The Average Australian Vocabulary and John Howard
  • Essendon vs Collingwood – Why Victorian Sports Suck
  • Burning Beds – Cultural Hegemony and Midnight Oil
  • Flight of the Reactionaries  – The False Consciousness of Kiwi Humor

Laptop – (CN) – Consumptive in Chief just finished watching Season One of Showtime’s Homeland.

I'm a plausible character, I swear!

April brings us Season Two of the gritty reality based HBO drama ‘Game of Thrones’.  Season One of Game of Thrones’ provided an almost documentary take on the byzantine American political scene.

It's Cold and Dangerous in the Beltway

Consumptive Judgement:

Game of Thrones no doubt.

Toned down production values is the backdrop of ‘Game of Thrones’ simple morality play and mirror on our complicated times.  Great underplayed acting is scene throughout but particularly by Sean Bean in the role of Senator Stark.

Even for the fantasy genre which ‘Homeland’ originates, one cannot help but think it’s far to outlandish to be taken seriously beyond children’s fare.  Sure, Claire Danes gets high marks for her acting in the role of a German speaking voyeur in the East German secret police spying on ginger political miscreants but even she can’t overcome the drool covered plot only head writer Kevin Smith could love.

Bleakhouse, IA (CN) – Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul finished third in last night’s Iowa Caucuses disappointing Mugwumps in their native Dagestan.

“We overestimated the number of Caucasians in Iowa no doubt about it,” said Mugwump leader Andrew Sullivan from his lair in the Dagestan capital of Cape Cod.  “And we really shouldn’t have written those newsletters.  In our defense it was our first foray into politics since 1908 when that shit would have worked.”

Andrew Sullivan Pontificates on Ron Paul

The Mugwumps were bolstered in February of 2011 when they were credited with Ron Paul’s Straw Poll Win at the CPAC Conference.  A recent poll surge by Paul in Iowa led many of them to believed they could bring their success to the American Caucuses.

The American Mugwump Association (AMA) released a terse press release this morning stating:

“We are disappointed in Iowa.  Santorum?  Really?  But we remain hopeful.  There are many Caucasians in New Hampshire and other primary states.  Ron Paul will pull through this.  Watch out for another Moneybomb from us soon.”

The New Hampshire Primary takes place on January 10th.  Paul has a strong base in the state and is expected to show well.

Gerlach, NV (CN) As we exit 2011 and crash into 2012 Consumptionblog looks back at the year in BurningMan.  As always ‘The Event North of Reno’ was chock full of more controversy than a soon to be ex-couple arguing about what it means to ‘just be poly on the playa’ in the predawn post coital light.

From Obama to Riots, the End of the World to the NFL, Daftpunk to Hippies, Consumptionblog presents to you the Top Six Burning Man Stories of 2011:

1. The Kenyan who Came from Hope and but Returned to Black Rock City topped the list this year:
Obama To Sell Burning Man Tickets to Ease Federal Debt
2. If it bleeds it leads still rings true in the digital clouds of blogland:
Ticketless Burners Scuffle with Police at Burning Man Office
3. As usual the French come in 3rd:
Daft Punk Cancels Burning Man Appearance
4. The Cultural War Continue to Rage:
Hippies vs Ravers Battle for Supremacy on the Playa
5. Despite the NFL and Burning Man having less than zero in common, they’ve decided to work together:
Burning Man Implements NFL Draft to Sell Tickets
6. The End of the World will be a bigger story in 2012:
New Age Survival Backpack – While Supplies and the Planet Lasts
-And Finally Bonus Burner News Now-
The Question was Finally Asked:
Is Burning Man Foreign Born?
Chris Hitch, meh

Some who know me may be surprised to learn I was no fan of Christopher Hitchens.  The jaded raver in me with a satirical disposition often described in mono-syllabic words ranging from ‘dry’ to ‘dark’ should find something to like and admire about Hitchens right?

To a point.

I always saw Hitchens as a drunk that could win an argument, any argument, with a bit of panache, bile and wit.  I always saw myself as a drunk who could lose an argument, any argument, with a bit of panache, bile and wit.  To the extent that is true, we are polar opposites.

When William S. Burroughs is your hero growing up the idea of Hitchens as some sort of wild eyed contrarian always struck me as not quite right.  Is there anything more mundane than a well educated, equal parts charming and maddening Englishman endlessly drinking, chain smoking and calling Mother Theresa a cunt?

If he was such a contrarian why such fawning remembrances  of him in every milquetoast, middlebrow ‘merican magazine from The Nation to Reason, Salon to Slate, Andrew Sullivan to surely the most pseudo-intellectual feel good grocery store checkout line purchase of the late 20th century for which he wrote, Vanity Fair?

He was prolific to be sure, an admirable virtue to this late blooming lowly blogger.  An entertaining writer and talk show guest no doubt; though one should remember his lackluster competition.  I liked Hitchens best at his arguably least popular in the 90s attacking the Clinton’s and their whole enterprise for being conniving, blood thirsty and the ultimate in the American version of shallow, banal evil.  His militant atheism left this godless heathen cold.  One of the things I abhor about organized religion is precisely its militancy and fundamentalism.  It is no less of a buzzkill when issued from an atheist.  His advocacy of western-led genocide in Iraq and the Middle East always struck me as the pose of an adolescent: ‘Daddy Liberal believes X so I’m going to advocate Y in the most boorish way possible to really piss him off’ and right in the middle of the shopping mall.

My best comparison for Hitchens would be Huxley’s Chrome Yellow.  Well written.  Intellectual.  Satirical.  Dry.  Occasionally brilliant.  But please, more scenes with Barbecue-Smith!  Perhaps a couple good doses of the psilocybin and LSD Huxley would later use could of pushed ‘Hitch’ beyond the rascally English rebel every Beltway pundit could love and admire.

And now for your holiday amusement and titillation five future porn parodies of Darren Aronofsky films you won’t be seeing; at least I hope.

The Wrestlers – Two washed up gay wrestlers struggle with failing health, loss of sphincter control, a straight daughter’s rejection and a constantly topless Marisa Tomei.

Before the Academy Knows Your Dead

Requiem for a Dream -A young girl from small town Orange County moves to Los Angeles with dreams of becoming a Porn Star but slowly descends into the sordid world of commercials and character acting.

Fuck You Harry Dean Stanton

Black Swan Diving – Two hot neurotic bitches who like to dance get tarted up, drop Ecstasy in a swank New York City nite club and quickly engage in rampant acts of Sapphic zest.

That’s Awesome Show!

The Fountain Head – Mayan End Time Prophecy, Death, and Heroic Doses of DMT won’t stand in the way of a little cock sucking…

DMT is a Hell of a Drug

She’s My 3.14– A 168 minute remake of the classic Warrant Video ‘Cherry Pie’  but slightly less pornographic.  Soundtrack by Johnny Greenwood.

There Will Be Pie