Archive for the ‘News’ Category

#occupyoakland Nominates Ape as Leader

Posted: November 8, 2011 in News, Politics, Satire
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NEWSFLASH: #OccupyDenver follows suite, nominates Border Collie as leader.

Oscar Grant Plaza, Oakland, CA – (CN Wire) After leading a general strike that made headlines around the world #OccupyOakland continued to solidify its position as an innovator of  the nascent #OccupyWallStreet movement by nominating an Ape to be it’s leader on Monday night.

The Ape known as ‘Caesar’ was profiled in a recent radical environmental documentary ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘.  In the documentary Caesar organizes his fellow Apes, Chimps and other primates to break free from their unjust and cruel imprisonment.  They soon kill a punk-ass’d white guy, over run a for profit biotech company, trash San Francisco like it was Bay to Breakers and successfully battle the police on the Golden Gate Bridge before undertaking an occupation of Muir Woods.

The documentary was shown several times on a big screen in Oscar Grant Plaza and swiftly became an inspirational rallying point to all involved.  The chant ‘All Hail Caesar!’ has quickly become a mantra of the protest movement.   Caesar and his primate crew was quickly adopted by the #OccupyOakland General Assembly as a natural leader who could bring new blood to the quickly tiring movement.  Effective immediately Caesar and his monkey gang have been elected to take over operational control of all aspects of #OccupyOakland.

A short declaration dictated via iPhone4’s Siri for the reasons behind the General Assembly’s decision was sent to the media.

From this moment forth #OccupyOakland declares our undying fealty to almighty Caesar and solidarity with his protesting primate entourage.

  • Caesar and his primate posse eschew civilization, the city and other facades of our rotting capitalist pig-dog society, preferring instead the blissful, natural environs of Muir Woods and other earthy state parks.
  • The peoples of #OccupyOakland have no problem with having a strong leader, we just object to that leader being human.

    Hail Caesar!

  • Caesar and his monkey throng know how to handle the police, unlike those damn suburban white boy anarchists.

    This is what democracy looks like.

  • By storming and destroying a biotech company only concerned about profit and not the people’s welfare, Caesar and his primate partners have shown a clear commitment to being anti-capitalist and anti-biotechnology.
  • Caesar has aspirational designs beyond setting up a couple tents and a soup kitchen.  The slogan ‘Another World is Possible’ is actually likely under Caesar’s radical leadership.
  • Caesar and his gaggle of chimps enjoy sleeping outdoors.
  • Caesar and the Orangutan gang clearly shares Bay Area residents frustration with bridge traffic.

My Kinda Commute

  • The Primate’s primal aversion to clothing, good hygiene habits and lack of other possessions clearly demonstrates solidarity with #OccupyOakland’s anti-materialist, anti-consumption worldview.
  • James Franco and Freida Pinto make a super hot couple.

HOT-T

  • The name ‘Caesar’ just sounds like a word that means ‘Leader’.
Society may mock us now, but they’ll soon ape us!

A member of the #OccupyOakland movement who participated in the General Assembly meeting that elected Caesar as their new leader said the decision was reached quickly.

“Consensus was reached after 20 minutes of discussion.  Hell, it took longer to decide what Chinese restaurant we wanted to order take out from.  We picked Shan Dong and it was hella good.”

Another #OccupyOakland protestor reached for comment Monday night concluded “That damn dirty Ape is no shill for The Man and a heck of a lot smarter than my Teaparty douche of a neighbor in that alienating condo complex I live at in Alameda.”

Caesar and his band of primates were notified via Twitter.

What happens next is anyone’s guess.

#OccupyWallStreet Demonstrates US Still #1

Posted: October 15, 2011 in News, Politics, Satire
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Wall Street, NY (CN) – Weeks after Americans started the #OccupyWallStreet and the ‘We are the 99%’ Protests the rest of the world is finally getting off its fat, bariatric ass and get out onto the streets.

Better late than never.

As a story in the London daily broadsheet The Guardian notes its’ taken weeks (as usual) for the worlds’ would be protestors to catch up with the United States.

US leads the Way

“Surely, no government can be expected to foster its own subversion, but in a democracy such a right is vested in the people.  Naturally the US is leading the way in this regard.” said dead Frankfurter and noted non-American Herbert Marcuse from an undisclosed shallow grave.

Addressing a crowd of protestors on Wall Street who are all in the top 10% of global annual income and living standards Naomi Klein yelled,

“It’s great to see Americans out protesting, setting up tent cities and sending a message not only to the grotesque economic elite in Manhattan but giving a gentle Solidarity push to other peoples of the world that they can protest their government and financial institutions as well.  I think in a couple weeks, guided by the example set by America, you’ll see the people in the Middle East telling their governments they want change.  I love you.”

Protestor and NYC resident (Greenpoint) Ben Lomen talked to Consumptionblog reporter on the scene Marc about the laziness of the rest of the world.

“I been wondering when the rest of the world would come around,” said Ben as he rolled a cigarette.  “I mean I been camped out here for three weeks making sacrifices.  Eating vegan sweet potato latkes, doing Anasara Yoga instead of Ashtanga because that’s the only instructor here, sleeping on the ground in a three season REI sleeping bag I borrowed from a friend, holding signs, uploading videos of my fellow protestors to youtube.  You know, changing the world and stuff.  No judgement; but where the fuck have the Greeks been or the Spanish for that matter?  ¡¿Que Pasa?!”

A protestor women in her 20s from Sarah Lawrence College interrupted at this point.

“Well man the Greeks haven’t been totally silent. There is the Greek Protest Dog ‘Kanellos’.  The Anarchists have taught him how to bark The International in Greek and  whenever he sees a police officer or a banker, you gotta check it out.”

“Ohh cool I will, mos def.”

*woof* So comrades, come rally And the last fight let us face..." *woof*

People in cities throughout the world are expected to copy US protests, however poorly, this coming weekend.  Stay tuned to Consumptionblog Newswire for coverage as it happens.

Puerto Viejo Stands With You #OccupyWallStreet

Posted: October 8, 2011 in Costa Rica, News, Politics
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The good Americans of Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica stand with you #OccupyWallStreet and believe me – we have grievances aplenty…

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#OccupyWallStreet and Obscure 19th Century Philosophers

Posted: October 7, 2011 in News, Politics
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Breaking News!

Now You Know:

The Ego and It's Own Twitter Account

We answer all the reader’s Burning Questions.

Another reason to follow @Consumptionblog on the Twitter

Follow @Consumptionblog on the Twitter

Posted: October 7, 2011 in News
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Consumptives,

Follow @Consumptionblog on the Twitter for more truth, journalism, history of BurningMan, #OccupyPuertoViejo, Minimalist Mininalism and other bric-a-brac the chotskies don’t want to schlep to the internet.

@Consumptionblog – 140 characters of Boldness Walking the Shining Path of Righteousness

Burning Man ’11 Review: Hippies vs Ravers

Posted: October 6, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Satire
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Tender Burn, San Francisco, CA (CN) — A battle that spans the centuries appears to have taken a turn for the Hippie.  For as long as people can remember and then a little bit longer Hippies and Ravers have battled for subculture supremacy.  At the Burn of ’69 Wendy Carlos groupies and fans of Strawberry Alarm Clock  squared off in a violent melee and Burning Man has remained the epicenter of the Hippie vs Raver battle ever since.

Burning Man Bureau of Labor Statistics (BMBLS) released a report on Wednesday showing that Hippies have now gained the upper hand at the event North of Reno.

Numbers Don't Lie, Man

Ravers have always done acid, present company certainly not excepted,” said Bryan Stefarios, Executive Director of the Pro-Raver advocacy group DanceSafe.  “The troubling aspect for ravers is the growth of the drum circles and Beats Antique.  You can’t Rave to Beats Antique.”

Nearing the End of Raver Dominance

Professor of Techno and Raves at Detroit University, Jeff Mills predicted the flagging fortunes of Ravers in his 2008 book, ‘Raving Alone’.

“For years Ravers have held the upper hand at Burning Man – blasting Hippies into aural obscurity with 120 decibels of 150 bpm bass.  As the bpms have come down with the English Dubstep Invasion drum circles started to grow again.  Throw in Daniel Pinchbeck’s quixotic popularity, the four fold growth in Peruvian Ayahuasca Tourism, a severe decline in good Anthem Trance and Progressive House and Hippie Supremacy soon becomes inevitable. Sigh.”

Long time Hippie Burner ‘Dusty Lentil’ who was once co-consensus leader of a short lived association of Hippie Burners was reached for comment from his penthouse in the Upper West Side of NYC.  “I don’t know, I just love hanging out with my friends, listening to some Sector 9, lentils, my air conditioned teepee and ummm…yeah.”

Burning Math: NectarVillage vs. CenterCamp

Posted: October 3, 2011 in BurningMan, NectarVillage, News, Satire
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Gerlach, NV, (CN Wire) Burning Man Bureau of Labor Statistics (BMBLS) has released a metrics and graphs intensive report on ‘Rites of Passage’. Normally no one would care but for several startling surprises that is rumored to have Burning Man Corp. rethinking its whole raison d’être.

Careful measurement of foot traffic throughout Black Rock City confirmed rumors this year that NectarVillage received more foot and bicycle traffic than Center Camp.

Matheus Klinnsman, Chief Burner Statistician for BMBLS stated on a UStream Press conference, “As the above simple parametric graph shows NectarVillage cleaned Center Camps clock.”

“My recommendation to Burning Man Corp. is to rename Center Camp because it’s clearly no longer the center of the Burn, NectarVillage is.”

NectarVillage 2011 was composed of HBGB Healers, Shamandome, SnowKoan Solar, Contact Camp, Steambath Project and the mysterious Bumblepuss.  NectarVillage was formed in the 19th Century after New York Tribune editor Horace Greeley stated “Go West Young Swedish Deep Tissue Masseuse, Go West,” or alternately after a group of Burners in a Bob’s Big Boy in Van Nuys, CA heard the new 1993 Pet Shop Boys single “Go West Young Rent Boy, Go West.”

Village Chief ‘Soup’ stated over 325 people camped with NectarVillage and were overwhelmed with traffic from every direction.  Responding to press inquires via his iphone Soup responded, “Have you been destroyed!  Welcome to NectarVillage Ma’am, have you been destroyed yet?”

A post-Burn DPW crew member ‘FireDust’ was asked for comment as she stumbled out of Bruno’s Country Club in Gerlach, NV.  “Jazz Club? Jazz Club!  $8 Coffee?!  Fuck Off.  NectarVillage has a Steambath.  Throw up one of those and we’ll talk.  Speaking of throwing up…Blaaaahhhhh…”

Burning Man Corp. was on holiday at their dacha outside Minsk and released a short response via e-mail stating, “If NectarVillage is really that popular perhaps we need to become a 501(c)3 non-profit.”

BMBLS has promised “thundering revelations of a statistical nature” later in the week.  Stay Tuned to Consumption News Wire

Burning Man Playa Condition Report: Not Good

Posted: August 22, 2011 in BurningMan, News
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Playa Report 2011.

Black Rock City, NV (CN) – I have received several accounts of the state of the playa surface from my well feed dusty moles in DPW.

It don’t sound good folks.

Over the past decade the playa has slowly decayed from a reliable rock hard surface where Andy “Green Man” Green’s art car ‘Pedal Masher’ broke the land speed record at the Burn of 1997 at 763 mph while 20 guests sipped dusty martinis and danced relentlessly from the roof deck into muck and decay.

DMV Would Never Approve This Now

From my most trusted source in DPW:

“In past years the playa surface resembles a baked brownie crust surface.  This year it resembles a brownie mix still in the mixing bowl – a mixture of mud topped by a frothy Santorum  of gas, PBR and last years Astroglide.  It’s like a swamp.

Don’t even consider bringing a bike unless you plan to turn it into fire art.  The playa is unridable.  Hell, it’s nearly undrive-able.  The higher ups at Burning Man are talking about having people park in Gerlach and be bussed in because so many cars are likely to get stuck in the muck.”

Your best way from Gerlach to BRC?

DPW Source #2

The weather has also been more extreme than usual.  During the day it’s actually humid.  The humidity has brought wildlife back to the playa.  Last night I killed a Atropoides picadoi I found under the wheel well of my  Toyota Tundra.  Speaking of tundra; at night it’s gotten so cold that Trego and Frog Pond hot springs have frozen over.  Think Ecuador in August during the Day, Kiev in January at Night.   I expect most people will leave after a couple days, no matter what humiliating things they had to do to get tickets.  50,000 people my ass! By Thursday more like 5,000.

Do whatever you want fellow Burners but I’ve ditched the bike, bought some hip boots and anti-venom of Craigslist and am hoping just to survive.

Daft Punk Cancels Burning Man Show; Cite Tickets, New Security

Posted: August 11, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Satire
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Not Playing at Your Burn, Your Burn

Paris, FR (CN) – Fabulously famous French electronic duo Daft Punk have cancelled their planned performance at Burning Man.  The duo, comprised of Guy Monte Cristo and Tommy Bangin’ Bass said in their press release:

“We’ve gone to three or four Burns just to hang out, slurp wine in a box, go to the Steambath Project, hang around Center Camp, but we’ve never performed.  This year was going to be different.  We had a surprise set all lined up at Opulent Temple for Friday night.  But we couldn’t get tickets and the new security measures! Forget about it.  Taser guns?!  No No No.  We will play Circus Circus in Reno on Wednesday with Shpongle and Beats Antique instead.  They pay better even though the rooms are so-so.”

Burning Man Corp. responded immediately stating, “That’s too bad but Burning Man is for amateurs.  We found this douche from Schenectady that’s going to train wreck Daft Punk’s 2006 Coachella set at 7:38 & G on Monday once he’s done enough K.  Go and enjoy that instead.”

Burning Man Announces Strict New Security Measures

Posted: August 9, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Satire
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Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’

The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger.  “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”

The four new security measures are as follows:

1.  Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained  with taser rifles.  Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus.  “We’ve wanted these for years.”

When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore

2. All fencing will be electrified.

50,000 Watts of Goodwill

3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.

More Burners Please

4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates  on their arms.

There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon

At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.

“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”

“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”

Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.

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