Gerlach, NV (CN) – Consumptive NewsWire have received word that Burning Man Corp. will announce four new security measures tomorrow in response to the uproar by ticketless Burners, the F&P Downgrade and Riots underway in London.
Stay Tuned to ConsumptionBlog.com for live coverage tomorrow as the new measures are announced.
Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) – Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.
Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night. “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland. If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”
F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale. At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream. Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.
F&P Bacon Shuffle Algorithm
F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.” Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling, “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”
According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade. “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”
In an exclusive interview Flo the waitress who served your lord and savior and 12 other guys at a little cafe called “The Last Supper” talked to Consumptionblog.com
Flo, a distant relative of Methuselah still plies her trade but wouldn’t divulge her age.
The cafe is still open but has since relocated to Flatbush in Brooklyn on Ave J. and Coney Island Ave. and has been renamed ‘Khaora’s’. We caught Flo between the lunch and dinner crowd juggling a feisty four top.
CB: Thanks for talking to us Flo – How did the 13 of them strike you; – what do you remember from the dinner, it was a long time ago?
Flo: It was a large party for a small cafe in east Jerusalem – me and the busboy Jesus had to push a bunch of tables together to make it work – Thomas and xxx were at a two top in the middle that rocked a little bit and spilled his Crystal Lite – but a book of matches solved that one.
CB: What did Jesus Order? Anything surprising in what the other Apostles ordered?
Flo: Jesus and everyone had the bread of course – it comes free – like chips & salsa at a Mexican joint.
They ordered a carafe of wine – a cheap Rose. Umm let me think – Thomas couldn’t make his mind up between hash and eggs or an egg salad sandwich, I think he finally settled on the chicken strips. Judas ordered the most expensive thing on our menu, steak and shrimp, and later tried the old ‘Dine and Dash’. The short order cook Mel caught him down the street and made him cough up the shekels. All the other fellows were pretty straight forward – frank and beans with a scoop of vanilla, scoop of chocolate for desert.
CB: Peter. He turned out to be pretty important later on – anything you remember about him?
Flo: Yeah. He definitely acted like the head honcho at least of the mortals, but he was very forgetful. He showed up late and denied the supper was supposed to take place at 4. He ordered an onion potato Knish for an appetizer, I remember it plain as day, but he denied he ordered it when I brought it over to him. When it was time to pay the bill Peter said he forgot his wallet and denied Mark had covered for him last time at Morton’s on the Lakehouse. It caused a big commotion. Thaddeus and Simon were over in the corner. They were the jokers of the lot and Simon started crowing like a rooster and all of a sudden Peter started crying and admitted to everything; even the potato knish. He left a big tip, that’s why I remember so well. Back in the day most folks didn’t tip 12%.
CB: Thanks for the interview Flo – we are really glad we found you and had a chance to talk with you. You look like you been on your feet all day, can I buy you a drink?
Flo: Honey – you can buy me a baked potato – ohh these putz’s want to change their order again…
Washington, DC (CN) – As America plunged toward Debtpocalypse rumors swirled on Capitol Hill that debt default could result in more tickets for Burning Man preventing Playapocalpyse. As usual rumors and last minute negotiations in Washington, DC are Byzantine and abusive to any common standards of language and decency but Mark Smith an analyst from the think tank American’s for Excellence in Prosperity puts forward the case:
“Burning Man was forced to sell out by the Bureau of Land Management (BLM); limiting tickets to 50,000. BLM is a federal agency of a piddling 10,000 employees. If the Federal Government defaults BLM will be unable to enforce the ticket limit and Burning Man Corp can simply sell more tickets at the gate,” explained Smith. “At least that’s what I’m hoping. You don’t have an extra ticket do you?”
Asked how pervasive this rumor is in Washington DC, Smith, who goes by the playa name ‘Dusty Shill’ speculated “It’s all over the place, I just heard it twice at Eastern Market and it was all young staffers could talk about last night at The Big Hunt.”
Consumptive NewsWire had no way to verify this rumor. BLM offices were closed on Sunday and unavailable for comment. Burning Man staff were attending Sunday services at the Cornerstone Evangelical Baptist Church just off the 280 as is their usual custom.
Burning Man Ticket Rumor Updates Here as we get them.
Washington, DC (CN) – As promised President Obama has placed his two Burning Man tickets up for sale to the highest bidder as part of last minute debt ceiling negotiations. Four days remain on bidding with the highest bid at press time being $8,000.
How High Will the Bidding Go?
“We expect the bidding to go much higher as people panic in the final hours,” said Larry Summers, Chief White House Asset Stripper through a spokesperson.
Obama has said all money from the sale of the two tickets will go to debt relief.
Keep coming back for more updates on this developing story as they happen.
Update: Four Days Left to Bid on Obama Burning Man Tickets
Washington, DC (CN) – As part of intense, last minute negotiations with Republicans on raising the national debt ceiling President Obama has offered to sell his and Michelle’s Burning Man tickets.
The President said all profit from the sale of the two tickets will be applied to lowering the federal debt.
It was announced last weekend that BurningMan had sold out for the first time since tickets were introduced at the Burn of 80 AD when it was first held at the Roman Colosseum. Prices for Burning Man tickets rose on global commodity markets when trading opened Monday. The value of a single ounce of Burning Man ticket has now risen faster, higher, and stronger than gold.
“The Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has advised me that under the current economic climate we should be able to haul in about $20,000 a ticket,” said President Obama in a statement in the White House Rose Garden. He was later seen weeping with Michelle as he repacked a dusty set of fire poi and a pink fuzzy full length jacket.
The offer to sell the ticket was accepted by the Republicans and Democrats in a rarely seen moment of honest bi-partisanship.
“As much as I’d love to see Obama in the great state of Nevada wearing a pink tutu spinning poi, sometimes the welfare of the country comes first”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “But just barely.”
“I’m not sure what Burning Man is,” said a confused GOP House Speaker John Boehner. “But I guess it’s better the QE3.”
Lower Haight, SF (CN) – Long time Burner and San Francisco resident has entered into a fray with BurnerMap.com. Cranky was last seen rioting in front of the Burning Man Corp. HQ with other ticketless Burners yesterday. That same day in a bout of productivity not seen in years CrankyDust distributed a press release condemning BurnerMaps.com (see below)
Vague plans for burning BurnerMap.com were mentioned but with few details – more updates to follow.
Peoria, IL (CN) – A wave of powerful, transformational protests have swept through the world.
The Arab Spring has brought down governments in Tunisia and Egypt. Thousands have been killed confronting the brutal, tired old regimes of Syria, Libya and Bahrain. Major reform has taken place in Morocco and Oman. Yemen is a fucking mess.
In Spain, Greece, Britain and Ireland unprecedented mass protests have taken place against high unemployment, bailing out the banks and government austerity measures.
And finally, after years of government bailouts, endless war, high unemployment and penetrative frisking at the airports America has had enough.
The Sleeper has Awakened and Thy Name is #fuckyouwashington
This weekend hundreds of thousands Americans went to their kitchen nook, got on their laptop, read a milquetoast journalists call to arms, logged onto Twitter and said loud and clear #fuckyouwashington !!!
The National Guard has been alerted. Troops have been deployed to the White House and Capital Hill. There was a nation wide run on food and potato chips.
The Department of Homeland Security has asked all Americans to
What happens next is anybody’s guess.
Stay Tuned.
I just received this from a source that wishes to remain anonymous.
Sadly all we have is the video and no audio – I added the soundtrack to make it more interesting.
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