Cambridge, MA (CN) – Noted linguist and political activist Noam Chomsky announced today he was forming a Super PAC with other left-wing associates.
“It is time we manufactured some of our own consent around here,” said Noam in a press release. “The time has come for total absorption of Citizens United. It is time my friends for the Choom Gang Super PAC.”
Can You Direct Me to the FEC?
More on this story as it develops.
Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – In perhaps the most eclectic musical act at Symbiosis this year is ‘Paul vs Paul’. A DJ smackdown of styles that could not contrast more without the magnetic poles reversing. Like a set featuring Photek vs Goldie – this could be massive so long as no MCs are involved. It’s recommended the audience listen to this set on a heavy dose of 2C-E seated on the ground while attempting to levitate a copy of Mises ‘Human Action’.
Ron Paul – A mechanic on the decks Paul only spins vinyl; goes heavy on the 808s and loves that soft purrrrrr analog equipment provides. “You have to use gold connector banana plugs or it just doesn’t sound right,” says Paul. You’ll never see DJ Paul peeking over a laptop during a live set. He tends to spin on the edge of mainstream electronic music. At a live Ron Paul set you’ll likely hear a strange combination of uncomfortable Acid House, Byzantine Belgium 2-Step and Jeff Mills fueled rabbit quick Detroit House ending in mid-90s symphonic, wet DnB reminiscent of Future Loop Foundation. Somehow he manages to hold it together in a dialectical techno whole.
Paul Krugman – Eschews vinyl in favor of knob twisting. “This dj runs Abelton live on a Macbook Pro outputting to an Apoge emsemble soundcard with 4 stereo outs from the ensemble to a Pioneer DJM-800 set up,” said DJ Krugman about himself. “Recently I’ve employed a 16×16 Monome controller and touch screen Lemur thrown in for extra crowd stimulus.”
Krugman revels in bringing the masses through the hills and valleys of symphonic trance in the style of early Italian Mauro Picotto trance and DJ’s with ‘van’ in their name. Paul also likes to throw in old school sounds from 70s disco with overtones of Andy Gibbs morphed into the modern Nordic welfare state space disco of Prins Thomas & Lindstrøm.
The less groovy Bloomberg Music recently held a preview of what you can expect:
For their Symbiosis performance Ron Paul has stated he will grow a beard and make amends with Julio Iglesias. For his part Paul Krugman said he will be studying Roman economic policy and attempting to communicate with the spirit of his last past life as a Long Island fifties house wife hooked on sherry, black beauties and ironing pillowcases.
Gerlach, NV (CN) – The Event North of Reno has been designated a Zombie Safe Zone in a map commissioned by the US Congress. An interactive map released Monday displaying possible danger zones and resources for the coming Zombie Apocalypse lists the site of the Burning Man arts festival as a safe zone.
“We believe the desert could accommodate 100,000,” said Burning Man spokesperson Maid Marian. “Doesn’t matter whether its for Flaming Lotus Girls art and frozen pickle dildos or fleeing for your life from the walking dead. Folks will arrive at the gate looking about the same; full of energy and eager to get in.”
Burner vs. Zombie
An anonymous Prepper and Survivalist expert associated with SurvivalBlog.com thought the designation as a Zombie Safe Zone was dubious. “Burners do a lot of TEOTWAWKI prep work great; food and dubstep for instance. But they will have to reconsider not letting firearms in.”
Burning Man Gate, Perimeter, and Exodus Coordinator ‘Randi Fence’ was asked if Burning Man could repel a zombie horde.
“They don’t have a ticket they don’t get in. Zombie or no zombie, its that simple.”
The Map of the Dead was commissioned by the America is Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Act (ARZAA) passed by Congress in 2009. Start up company Doejo known more for their martial arts acumen than their cartography skills were awarded the no bid contract to create the map. “I’m not sure if Burning Man is safe,” said Doejo founder Dusty Merc. “But Burning Man handed us a couple hundred tickets before the lottery so we figured the least we could do is list them as ‘safe’.”
Zombies have been seen at Burning Man before but in small numbers near Opulent Temple around dawn. They were easily dispatched.
Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote
Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.
The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment. Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul. At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.
Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV
“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery. That’s not in the Constitution. If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”
Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.
Bleakhouse, IA (CN) – Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul finished third in last night’s Iowa Caucuses disappointing Mugwumps in their native Dagestan.
“We overestimated the number of Caucasians in Iowa no doubt about it,” said Mugwump leader Andrew Sullivan from his lair in the Dagestan capital of Cape Cod. “And we really shouldn’t have written those newsletters. In our defense it was our first foray into politics since 1908 when that shit would have worked.”
Andrew Sullivan Pontificates on Ron Paul
The Mugwumps were bolstered in February of 2011 when they were credited with Ron Paul’s Straw Poll Win at the CPAC Conference. A recent poll surge by Paul in Iowa led many of them to believed they could bring their success to the American Caucuses.
The American Mugwump Association (AMA) released a terse press release this morning stating:
“We are disappointed in Iowa. Santorum? Really? But we remain hopeful. There are many Caucasians in New Hampshire and other primary states. Ron Paul will pull through this. Watch out for another Moneybomb from us soon.”
The New Hampshire Primary takes place on January 10th. Paul has a strong base in the state and is expected to show well.
Total Takeover
Him: “I’d like to Occupy the Crease.”
Her: “Perhaps. Care to go to my place for coffee afterwards?”
Him: “Sure, I can show you my Baggy Green.”
Her: “That would be awesome, I’ve never seen a Baggy Green up close.”
Him (to himself): This is like being on 427 going into the Second Innings at The Gabba. I will Occupy the Crease!
Washoe County, NV (CN) – In a late night action Black Rock Rangers raided the OccupyBurners camp in the former town of Empire. There were no reports of injuries or violence during the raid.
After a brief, intense Roman Candle Battle between OccupyBurners and BRC Rangers 26 Burners were turned over to the Washoe County Police for deportation to a dodgy casino in Carson City. An estimated 50 other Burners began a 10 hour Exodus to the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno to begin Post-Occupation Decompression [POD] and catch a show by techno act Pretty Lights.
A spokesperson for Washoe County Sheriff Department talked to Consumptionblog after the raid.
Why was the raid conducted?:
“We removed the Burners for their own good – it’s cold out there, their domes are not up to winter in the high desert. Crotchless pink jeans and burn barrels just don’t cut it.”
Why did you employ volunteer Black Rock Rangers to go in first?
“We saw what happened at UC Davis. A lot of our officers look like Lt. Pike. Some are even related. There was no way we were going in there with force to remove Burners. We contacted the Burning Man folks and they said there were plenty of Alpha Hippie Rangers who would take time off work, gather their carabines, khaki and buttons and impose order where it was needed.”
A handful of Burners had begun Occupation of the hamlet of Empire, NV after the 2011 Burn. Empire had been abandoned earlier in the year after US Gypsum Corp. closed down operations at the gypsum mine as the housing market left it’s mortal coil. Gypsum is the main ingredient in drywall, a key component to building shit like houses.
A SpokesBurner for OccupyEmpire ‘Gypsum Rose’ answered questions via Twitter during Exodus.
“#ows We are the 99% of Washoe County #occupyburners #occupyempire”
“We demanded the 1% of Washoe County return to Gypsum Mining #ows #occupyburners”
“Burners Built some awesome domes, a library, communal kitchen in Empire. Comfort and Joy donated a gym. #occupyempire #ows”
“The new #lottery system benefits only the rich Burners #BurningMan #OWS”
“Rangers are now officially worse than Placement #BurningMan #OWS #OccupyBurningMan”
“We don’t want to go back to Oakland. #oo #OWS #MrFloppysFlophouse”
It’s rumored that the ruins of Empire will be used as a home for wild horses being brought in to replace DPW at the 2012 Burn.
NEWSFLASH: #OccupyDenver follows suite, nominates Border Collie as leader.
Oscar Grant Plaza, Oakland, CA – (CN Wire) After leading a general strike that made headlines around the world #OccupyOakland continued to solidify its position as an innovator of the nascent #OccupyWallStreet movement by nominating an Ape to be it’s leader on Monday night.
The Ape known as ‘Caesar’ was profiled in a recent radical environmental documentary ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘. In the documentary Caesar organizes his fellow Apes, Chimps and other primates to break free from their unjust and cruel imprisonment. They soon kill a punk-ass’d white guy, over run a for profit biotech company, trash San Francisco like it was Bay to Breakers and successfully battle the police on the Golden Gate Bridge before undertaking an occupation of Muir Woods.
The documentary was shown several times on a big screen in Oscar Grant Plaza and swiftly became an inspirational rallying point to all involved. The chant ‘All Hail Caesar!’ has quickly become a mantra of the protest movement. Caesar and his primate crew was quickly adopted by the #OccupyOakland General Assembly as a natural leader who could bring new blood to the quickly tiring movement. Effective immediately Caesar and his monkey gang have been elected to take over operational control of all aspects of #OccupyOakland.
A short declaration dictated via iPhone4’s Siri for the reasons behind the General Assembly’s decision was sent to the media.
From this moment forth #OccupyOakland declares our undying fealty to almighty Caesar and solidarity with his protesting primate entourage.
- Caesar and his primate posse eschew civilization, the city and other facades of our rotting capitalist pig-dog society, preferring instead the blissful, natural environs of Muir Woods and other earthy state parks.
- The peoples of #OccupyOakland have no problem with having a strong leader, we just object to that leader being human.
Hail Caesar!
- Caesar and his monkey throng know how to handle the police, unlike those damn suburban white boy anarchists.
This is what democracy looks like.
- By storming and destroying a biotech company only concerned about profit and not the people’s welfare, Caesar and his primate partners have shown a clear commitment to being anti-capitalist and anti-biotechnology.
- Caesar has aspirational designs beyond setting up a couple tents and a soup kitchen. The slogan ‘Another World is Possible’ is actually likely under Caesar’s radical leadership.
- Caesar and his gaggle of chimps enjoy sleeping outdoors.
- Caesar and the Orangutan gang clearly shares Bay Area residents frustration with bridge traffic.
My Kinda Commute
- The Primate’s primal aversion to clothing, good hygiene habits and lack of other possessions clearly demonstrates solidarity with #OccupyOakland’s anti-materialist, anti-consumption worldview.
- James Franco and Freida Pinto make a super hot couple.
HOT-T
- The name ‘Caesar’ just sounds like a word that means ‘Leader’.
Society may mock us now, but they’ll soon ape us!
A member of the #OccupyOakland movement who participated in the General Assembly meeting that elected Caesar as their new leader said the decision was reached quickly.
“Consensus was reached after 20 minutes of discussion. Hell, it took longer to decide what Chinese restaurant we wanted to order take out from. We picked Shan Dong and it was hella good.”
Another #OccupyOakland protestor reached for comment Monday night concluded “That damn dirty Ape is no shill for The Man and a heck of a lot smarter than my Teaparty douche of a neighbor in that alienating condo complex I live at in Alameda.”
Caesar and his band of primates were notified via Twitter.
What happens next is anyone’s guess.
Wa Wa Wa Washington, DC (CN) – This past week saw stalwart Beltway Insider Think Tank the Cato Institute launch Libertarianism.org after 20 years of delay and statist triumph. The new site promises a concise and engaging introduction to a political philosophy called Libertarianism.
The reason why the Cato Institute has taken 20 years to launch this site on the internet is as simple and complex as Liberty itself.
“Libertarians have never been that into the internets, technology and stuff,” said Aaron Powell Cato Team Member and Libertarianism.org Editor. “Polling we’ve done has shown that people who work in tech fields like the internet and Livejournal are as likely to be libertarians as Catholics, which is to say not so much. We’d rather be reading old dead guys from the past, you know, when we were free. Speaking of which have you read ‘The Ego and Its Own‘ by Max Stirner, its a real barn burner.”
The idea for a website with libertarian in the name, or URL, first came in 1997 when Cato Team Member David Boaz got set to publish ‘Libertarianism: A Primer‘. “The book is a primer on libertarianism,” said Boaz from behind a large computer free wooden desk Cinncinatus was said to have used. “We thought this new internets would be a dandy thing to help promote and spread the word.”
However Libertarianismaprimer.com was taken and Cato got into an ugly battle with internet squatter Stephen Cohen. Cato, lacking any lawyers among it’s team members, enlisted the help of Institute for Justice in a long legal battle. They prevailed only to find Libertarianismaprimer.com to be a less than ideal url for ginning up traffic. The website was scraped.
Brian Doherty, libertarian historian and author of “Aspies for Capitalism – A History of Libertarians on Teh Internets” gave a brief synopsis of Cato’s twenty year battle to conceive and execute a website.
“Even before David’s book, ‘Libertarianism: A Primer,’ a great primer about libertarianism btw, Cato had a website a friend of theirs from college created. However it could only be viewed in a Lynx web browser and had 200+ large media files on it, a killer back in the dial up days.
“Cato also had a cute geocities website for a hot minute but it just didn’t go anywhere for some reason. Libertarians had an early presence on Friendster but it just didn’t pan out. Creative destruction and all that. Myspace? Don’t even get me started.
Keep in mind Cato also runs on a SpokesCouncil based Consensus decision making process. This most recent site has been in the works, wheedling itself through the various Cato SpokesCouncils and Guilds, for about 10 years.
In August of this year after many years of thankless toil and exhausting, deflating internecine battles Team Members all agreed to read a copy of ‘Getting to Yes‘, ‘Making Hard Decisions‘ and Jerry Tuccille’s ‘It Usually Begins with Ayn Rand‘ in addition to the other 10 books Team Members are contractually obligated to read per month. After that they brought in Murray Rothbard’s ghost and he moderated a big gathering of the hundreds of Cato Team Members and they finally came to consensus on three points:
Murray always was the peacemaker. After that we had the site up in about 5 weeks from soup to nuts.”
Other reasons for the long delay were skepticism about the internet and a warm glowing feeling that other libertarian groups were already getting the job done.
“Now mind you, to be fair,” said Cato Team Member Tommy John Palmer, “If I’m honest, the likes of LewRockwell.com and Justin Raimondo have done a great job representing mainstream Libertarianism to a diverse audience over the years.”
“I’m still not sure the internet is worth our time and effort,” opined Cato Founder and Team Member Primero Eddie Crane. “Every time I get on there all I see is LOLCats, Porn and Andrew Sullivan’s animated beard. If that’s the future I want no part of it.”
Described as a “thumbnail sketch” by Cato Team Member and New Media Guy Zach Graves the site opens with a 869 word nine paragraph written introduction complimented by a 20 minute youtube video narrated by some white guy. “It’s designed to appeal to the short attention spanned youths and those engaged in an active, modern lifestyle,” said Zach. “Not everyone has time to read Mises ‘Human Action‘ or the Russian novella ‘Atlas Shrugged‘ and we are sensitive to that.”
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