Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Dear Beloved Burners,

Grover Norquist is NOT an example of Radical Inclusion.

He is a privileged white guy with a beard and an MBA.

norquistBman

 

He’ll spend too much at the Walmart in Reno for a bunch of stuff he’ll never use.

He’ll get a bit dusty and see a bunch of awesome art.

He’ll get all pill’d up and dance for six hours at White Ocean one night.

He’ll yell and curse during Exodus on Monday.

He’ll fit right in.

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Dear Consumptives – the following fond remembrance of Daniel ‘Dany Boy’ Inouye, Senator, War Hero and Dead Man was submitted anonymously by an old friend who I once knew as The Minister of Tolerance.

mortuum flagellas,mea culpa, Danny Boy, Senator

Mortuum Flagellas, Mea Culpa,   Danny Boy, Senator

Senator Danny Inouye; a Remembranc

by The Minister of Tolerance

Following the most timely demise of our U.S. Senate President Pro Tempore, I was asked to recall my fondest memory of the senior Senator from our westernmost colony. Thought I’d share it with you:

The year was 1993. I, a lowly page for the House of Representatives was carrying a whole bunch of boxes over to one of the Senate office buildings, because, as you may know, Senate pages are far too busy filling water glasses and taking naps to perform physical work. Said boxes were probably heavy and certainly unwieldy, as I expect they contained the budget books. (Flashback:  Those were the OBRA years, halcyon days in which Congress actually managed to pass Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Acts for the entire government! All at once! Every year, no less! They were contained in ridiculously long green-covered tomes from the Government Printing Office that had to be distributed — one per office — throughout the Capitol Complex.)

So anyhoo, here I am, minding my own business, not doing anything too important (just ensuring the continuity of government in the capital of the free world; y’know, nothing major), struggling with all that stuff. I took a bit of a shortcut by riding the subway over to the office complex belonging to Congress’ Elderly Chamber (that is, the Senate). Standing up in the train, I peered over the glass to ensure nobody was coming (those were the old trains, before the Spendthrift Chamber — that is, the Senate — blew all sorts of money on unnecessary robot shuttles), and proceeded to step off with the intent to make my way upstairs.

Contemporaneously, and unbeknownst to me, an old guy from Hawaii was walking around with a bunch of his yes-men, no doubt plotting evil. I have no proof that said evil involved something about making sure that the intern from Indonesia would be able to deliver said Senator’s eulogy in the next century:

“But, sir, we’ll never get Barry Soetoro elected! His name sounds too much like Suharto! Besides, his mother is a… well, let’s just say her name is Stan.”

“Silence, you fool! Just use your last name on the phony birth certificate!”

“But… but… sir, I’m Irish! Nobody will believe his name is O’Bama!”

“Didn’t I tell you to be silent, fool? Haven’t you ever heard of the black Irish?! Now do it before I strike you down with my Hattori Hanzo steel!”

Anyhoo, while the gentleman from Hawaii (state motto: “It’s spelled Hawai’i, dipshit!”) was tossing rude epithets toward his yes-man, said member of the Senior Politicians’ Tour Chamber — that is, the Senate — charged ahead onto the train, specifically in my direction, as fast as his legs could carry him… ultimately slamming full-on into the stack of boxes that poor li’l ol’ me was attempting to lug.

Now, I’m no expert in Newtonian physics, but I know he was doing some kind of evil that violated natural law, because the force apparently acted upon HIM and not me, almost as though I were the one not watching where I was going — which, as you know, is quite impossible.

So at that point, Sen. In-No-Way slammed into the boxes I was carrying, which caused him to tip backwards and nearly fall on his senatorial keister.

It made a noise not unlike *THUD!*, to which the senator replied, “Oof!”

Fortunately for the member of that most august Near-Death Chamber — that is, the Senate — his yes-man was standing directly in line with said keister, absorbing the impact and ensuring that our first Japanese-American Senator remained upright.

Nevertheless, the gentleman from you-know-where had a touch of trouble stabilizing himself, as the spot where the boxes hit was unusual, as it was missing an arm.

Oops.

All I remember was ensuring my ID and nametag was covered up as I hightailed it out of there.

The moral of this story? None, except that we can prove that the senior Senior from the Five-Oh state has (had) no sense of humor, because — at no point — and in no way — (get it? In no way? Inouye? Ha! I kill me!) — in no way did he say, “Nyuk nyuk nyuk.”

“I’m really more and more becoming Stalinist. Hey, come here baby…”

Ljubljana, (CN) – Slavoj the Slovenian Stalinist loved by leftists worldwide explained why the Occupy Movement failed so miserably.

“Occupy? Yes, it’s OK – some great talks, some great arts. Concrete people? No, 99% are boring idiots.”

A committee has been formed by the Occupy Movement to formulate a response.

American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe.  Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.

TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!

Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time.  They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.

I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR

For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance.   But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.

The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:

National G’s DoomsDay Prepper
VH1’s nostalgic Sgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band
Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation
NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation
AMC‘s Madmen
Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers
Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy
E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup
HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole
Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication
BBC America‘s Top Prep
Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta
MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry
Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers
Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and
Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.

Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308

Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog,  “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination.  If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”

According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS.  If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”

Cambridge, MA (CN) – Noted linguist and political activist Noam Chomsky announced today he was forming a Super PAC with other left-wing associates.

“It is time we manufactured some of our own consent around here,” said Noam in a press release.  “The time has come for total absorption of Citizens United.  It is time my friends for the Choom Gang Super PAC.”

Can You Direct Me to the FEC?

More on this story as it develops.

 

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – In perhaps the most eclectic musical act at Symbiosis this year is ‘Paul vs Paul’.  A DJ smackdown of styles that could not contrast more without the magnetic poles reversing.  Like a set featuring Photek vs Goldie – this could be massive so long as no MCs are involved.  It’s recommended the audience listen to this set on a heavy dose of 2C-E seated on the ground while attempting to levitate a copy of Mises ‘Human Action’.

Ron Paul – A mechanic on the decks Paul only spins vinyl; goes heavy on the 808s and loves that soft purrrrrr analog equipment provides.  “You have to use gold connector banana plugs or it just doesn’t sound right,” says Paul.  You’ll never see DJ Paul peeking over a laptop during a live set.   He tends to spin on the edge of mainstream electronic music.  At a live Ron Paul set you’ll likely hear a strange combination of uncomfortable Acid House, Byzantine Belgium 2-Step and Jeff Mills fueled rabbit quick Detroit House ending in mid-90s symphonic, wet DnB reminiscent of Future Loop Foundation.  Somehow he manages to hold it together in a dialectical techno whole.

Paul Krugman – Eschews vinyl in favor of knob twisting.  “This dj runs Abelton live on a Macbook Pro outputting to an Apoge emsemble soundcard with 4 stereo outs from the ensemble to a Pioneer DJM-800 set up,” said DJ Krugman about himself.  “Recently I’ve employed a 16×16 Monome controller and touch screen Lemur thrown in for extra crowd stimulus.”

Krugman revels in bringing the masses through the hills and valleys of symphonic trance in the style of early Italian Mauro Picotto trance and DJ’s with ‘van’ in their name.  Paul also likes to throw in old school sounds from 70s disco with overtones of Andy Gibbs morphed into the modern Nordic welfare state space disco of Prins Thomas & Lindstrøm.

The less groovy Bloomberg Music recently held a preview of what you can expect:

For their Symbiosis performance Ron Paul has stated he will grow a beard and make amends with Julio Iglesias.  For his part Paul Krugman said he will be studying Roman economic policy  and attempting to communicate with the spirit of his last past life as a Long Island fifties house wife hooked on sherry, black beauties and ironing pillowcases.

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The Event North of Reno has been designated a Zombie Safe Zone in a map commissioned by the US Congress.  An interactive map released Monday displaying possible danger zones and resources for the coming Zombie Apocalypse lists the site of the Burning Man arts festival as a safe zone.

We believe the desert could accommodate 100,000,” said Burning Man spokesperson Maid Marian.  “Doesn’t matter whether its for Flaming Lotus Girls art and frozen pickle dildos or fleeing for your life from the walking dead.  Folks will arrive at the gate looking about the same; full of energy and eager to get in.”

Burner vs. Zombie

An anonymous Prepper and Survivalist expert associated with SurvivalBlog.com  thought the designation as a Zombie Safe Zone was dubious.  “Burners do a lot of TEOTWAWKI prep work great; food and dubstep for instance.  But they will have to reconsider not letting firearms in.”

Burning Man Gate, Perimeter, and Exodus Coordinator ‘Randi Fence’ was asked if Burning Man could repel a zombie horde.

“They don’t have a ticket they don’t get in.  Zombie or no zombie, its that simple.”

The Map of the Dead was commissioned by the America is Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Act (ARZAA) passed by Congress in 2009.  Start up company Doejo known more for their martial arts acumen than their cartography skills were awarded the no bid contract to create the map.  “I’m not sure if Burning Man is safe,” said Doejo founder Dusty Merc. “But Burning Man handed us a couple hundred tickets before the lottery so we figured the least we could do is list them as ‘safe’.”

Zombies have been seen at Burning Man before but in small numbers near Opulent Temple around dawn.  They were easily dispatched.