Gerlach, NV (CN) – Consumptive NewsWire have received word that Burning Man Corp. will announce four new security measures tomorrow in response to the uproar by ticketless Burners, the F&P Downgrade and Riots underway in London.
Stay Tuned to ConsumptionBlog.com for live coverage tomorrow as the new measures are announced.
Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) – Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.
Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night. “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland. If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”
F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale. At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream. Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.
F&P Bacon Shuffle Algorithm
F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.” Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling, “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”
According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade. “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”
Washington, DC (CN) – As America plunged toward Debtpocalypse rumors swirled on Capitol Hill that debt default could result in more tickets for Burning Man preventing Playapocalpyse. As usual rumors and last minute negotiations in Washington, DC are Byzantine and abusive to any common standards of language and decency but Mark Smith an analyst from the think tank American’s for Excellence in Prosperity puts forward the case:
“Burning Man was forced to sell out by the Bureau of Land Management (BLM); limiting tickets to 50,000. BLM is a federal agency of a piddling 10,000 employees. If the Federal Government defaults BLM will be unable to enforce the ticket limit and Burning Man Corp can simply sell more tickets at the gate,” explained Smith. “At least that’s what I’m hoping. You don’t have an extra ticket do you?”
Asked how pervasive this rumor is in Washington DC, Smith, who goes by the playa name ‘Dusty Shill’ speculated “It’s all over the place, I just heard it twice at Eastern Market and it was all young staffers could talk about last night at The Big Hunt.”
Consumptive NewsWire had no way to verify this rumor. BLM offices were closed on Sunday and unavailable for comment. Burning Man staff were attending Sunday services at the Cornerstone Evangelical Baptist Church just off the 280 as is their usual custom.
Burning Man Ticket Rumor Updates Here as we get them.
Washington, DC (CN) – As promised President Obama has placed his two Burning Man tickets up for sale to the highest bidder as part of last minute debt ceiling negotiations. Four days remain on bidding with the highest bid at press time being $8,000.
How High Will the Bidding Go?
“We expect the bidding to go much higher as people panic in the final hours,” said Larry Summers, Chief White House Asset Stripper through a spokesperson.
Obama has said all money from the sale of the two tickets will go to debt relief.
Keep coming back for more updates on this developing story as they happen.
Update: Four Days Left to Bid on Obama Burning Man Tickets
Washington, DC (CN) – As part of intense, last minute negotiations with Republicans on raising the national debt ceiling President Obama has offered to sell his and Michelle’s Burning Man tickets.
The President said all profit from the sale of the two tickets will be applied to lowering the federal debt.
It was announced last weekend that BurningMan had sold out for the first time since tickets were introduced at the Burn of 80 AD when it was first held at the Roman Colosseum. Prices for Burning Man tickets rose on global commodity markets when trading opened Monday. The value of a single ounce of Burning Man ticket has now risen faster, higher, and stronger than gold.
“The Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has advised me that under the current economic climate we should be able to haul in about $20,000 a ticket,” said President Obama in a statement in the White House Rose Garden. He was later seen weeping with Michelle as he repacked a dusty set of fire poi and a pink fuzzy full length jacket.
The offer to sell the ticket was accepted by the Republicans and Democrats in a rarely seen moment of honest bi-partisanship.
“As much as I’d love to see Obama in the great state of Nevada wearing a pink tutu spinning poi, sometimes the welfare of the country comes first”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “But just barely.”
“I’m not sure what Burning Man is,” said a confused GOP House Speaker John Boehner. “But I guess it’s better the QE3.”
update 4:36 pst – the riots earlier in the day have largely dissipated. One car has been set ablaze (don’t worry it was a hybrid), there is a bunch of broken beer bottles around the Tenderloin office front of BurningMan Corp. HQ (like there is everyday) and a couple strange looking people linger muttering complaints who may be Burners, but maybe not.
Catch up on the full story below as it happened.
If Anything else happens related to today’s SF BurningMan ticket riot – it will be updated here on Consumptive Newswire
update 2:07 pst: A combination of SpaceCowboy Unimog funky downtempo House, micro brew, and a nearby marijuana buyers co-op appears to have calmed the situation down. People still angry and ticketless but grooving to the music, blissed out, buzzed.
update: 1:15 pst: Longtime Burner and SF resident CrankyDust is on the scene at the BurningMan HQ ticket riots and gives this report: ‘It’s The Playapocalypse down here – glitter and flames and ticketless people everywhere, total chaos, just like the Burn of ’94 – this is great!
update 12:51 pst: news breaking quickly now – BurningMan reports they’ve hired Hells Angels DPW (even worse), Space Cowboys Unimog to supress rioting. Riot police called off.
update 12:43 pst: Consumptive News has just received official comment from BurningMan Corp. HQ on the Burner Ticket riots:
“We’ve expected this for a while now and all the BM Corp. staff are locked in the panic room drinking a bottle of Jameson’s someone left us from Exodus last year, its good shit.”
update: follow events on #fuckyouburningman
Tenderloin, SF (CN) – Consumptive News is getting early reports of ticketless Burners scuffling with police and scaring homeless crackheads at BurningMan Inc. Corporate HQ in Tenderloin. One car reported ablaze.
This comes as news spreads that BurningMan has sold out of tickets.
Burning Man Corp. HQ
More Info. as news comes in – please post pics and information in the comments section if you are on the scene.
Peoria, IL (CN) – A wave of powerful, transformational protests have swept through the world.
The Arab Spring has brought down governments in Tunisia and Egypt. Thousands have been killed confronting the brutal, tired old regimes of Syria, Libya and Bahrain. Major reform has taken place in Morocco and Oman. Yemen is a fucking mess.
In Spain, Greece, Britain and Ireland unprecedented mass protests have taken place against high unemployment, bailing out the banks and government austerity measures.
And finally, after years of government bailouts, endless war, high unemployment and penetrative frisking at the airports America has had enough.
The Sleeper has Awakened and Thy Name is #fuckyouwashington
This weekend hundreds of thousands Americans went to their kitchen nook, got on their laptop, read a milquetoast journalists call to arms, logged onto Twitter and said loud and clear #fuckyouwashington !!!
The National Guard has been alerted. Troops have been deployed to the White House and Capital Hill. There was a nation wide run on food and potato chips.
The Department of Homeland Security has asked all Americans to
What happens next is anybody’s guess.
Stay Tuned.
I just received this from a source that wishes to remain anonymous.
Sadly all we have is the video and no audio – I added the soundtrack to make it more interesting.
Update: Many DJ’s are in danger of not getting into Burning Man because they do not have tickets. This is like going into a K-Hole in the Happy Hardcore Room. Yes, its that serious. Read below how you can help change this.
Burning Man has a long and glorious history of participant driven art, music, healing and humor. To lend ahelping hand to this participant driven event Burning Man Corp. simply provides the infrastructure, cheap coffee, wonderfully cold ice, art grants, builds the Man, controls the media, tells you where your theme camp will be, deals with the default world government, sells the tickets, fire control, creates Center Camp and a few hundred other foundational tasks. So one must be careful when asking Burning Man Corp. to take on another layer of responsibility.
But when we have a true, documented ‘market failure’ over several Burns where participants fail to create stuff that is in their obvious self interest I think it is in everyone’s interest that the government, in this case Burning Man Corp. step in and take over.
What’s the howling need not being addressed by Burning Man participants?
Not nearly enough Trance.*
It used to be everywhere on the playa – now maybe a 2 hour set by a lonely Dutch super star is all you get from Opulent Temple.
*And NO! Psytrance most certainly doesn’t count.
Not at All.
We need more Trance. Preferably Anthem Trance. The only way it can be said simpler is with a 125-150 bpm 32 beat phase.
Burning Man is the hegemonic fist of history that will bring it to us.
1) All sound camps must have one DJ headline with ‘van’ in his surname – yes – that includes you Nexus or should we say ‘van Nexus’.
2) The Unimog and all Art Cars with large sound systems must play at least 25% Trance or be banned by the DMV.
3) Trance Trance Revolution will be given the key corner spot at 10 or 2 o’clock.
4) The Man’s face will be made to resemble Tiesto.
5) A 10% tithe of all revenue generated from BurningMan will be donated to the 501©3 non-profit Trance Development Corporation which helps bring Trance into the schools of the most Trance deprived areas around the globe from the Bronx to Buenos Aires. Sorry Frankie Knuckles & Hernán Cattáneo you don’t count.
Fill out the below petition to demand Burning Man to do what is right in the name of Trance:
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