Archive for the ‘BurningMan’ Category

Cowboy Nachos

This sumptuous, delicate dish is surprisingly easy to make and the perfect meal to prepare for the set-up crew in the days leading up to that event north of Reno.

Inspired by the rolling Alsatian hills of my childhood with a nod to Marfa, TX I present to you Cowboy Nachos.

Take a bag of Fritos ™, place on paper plate, slice bag down middle with appropriate Leatherman implment, pour heated chili over top.

Serve!

Serves 1 – Chili that passes the Dennison Test preferred.

Goes well with Playa Dust

 Attention Playa Chefs.  What are your favorite simple receipes for feeding the awesome early arrival set up crew that bring the theme camps and villages to life?

Not Playing at Your Burn, Your Burn

Paris, FR (CN) – Fabulously famous French electronic duo Daft Punk have cancelled their planned performance at Burning Man.  The duo, comprised of Guy Monte Cristo and Tommy Bangin’ Bass said in their press release:

“We’ve gone to three or four Burns just to hang out, slurp wine in a box, go to the Steambath Project, hang around Center Camp, but we’ve never performed.  This year was going to be different.  We had a surprise set all lined up at Opulent Temple for Friday night.  But we couldn’t get tickets and the new security measures! Forget about it.  Taser guns?!  No No No.  We will play Circus Circus in Reno on Wednesday with Shpongle and Beats Antique instead.  They pay better even though the rooms are so-so.”

Burning Man Corp. responded immediately stating, “That’s too bad but Burning Man is for amateurs.  We found this douche from Schenectady that’s going to train wreck Daft Punk’s 2006 Coachella set at 7:38 & G on Monday once he’s done enough K.  Go and enjoy that instead.”

What follows is  a timeline of the history and development of Bumblepuss and Nectarvillage through the hagiographic eyes of, well, me.

1898 – Leon Czolgosz attends the Burn held that year in Havana which ended in a crude representation of The Man named ‘USS Maine’ blown to smithereens.

Saturday Night

1901 – Having a particularly hard decompression after searching for bacon grease fried falafel for years without success Leon assassinates King McKinley at Akron Ohio’s one and only subway stop.  He is quickly convicted but before being hung by the neck until death gives birth to Soup and Marc through his armpit.  Soup and Marc are separated soon after birth.

Daddy Leon

1935 – Akron, OH – Soup and Marc find themselves mysteriously re-united in the town of their fathers downfall in a tuberculosis ward where they are given large amounts of laudanum  by one Doktor Random and in the wavvvvy symbiotic  ether-state realize their mutual origins.  They soon recover, write the first edition of this book published in 1939 titled ‘A Very Short History of Bumblepuss’ which is an odd mixture of recipes, tales of the occult, and reoccurring character named SteamGoat Billy. They then join the Army Rangers Psy-Trance Unit and spend the war torturing Germans with Dropkick Murphy covers and pre-electronic Progressive House re-mixes.

Torture

1950 – The first edition of ‘A Very Short History of Bumblepuss’ sells poorly but develops a cult following in America, Canada and other less important parts of the world.  The early Bumble devotees are so dedicated that an international meeting is held in Cleveland, OH and people actually show up. Bumblepuss and it’s adherents festers in leaps and starts like a slow growing skin disease on the nice to look at bits of the female body.  Many Bumblepussies as they are now known attend Burning Man which starts happening regularly every three or four years at spots around the globe.

1951-1976
Soup is nowhere to be found and gives wildly varying accounts of his movements in his 1996 autobiography ‘I’m on a Boat’, turns up in Perris, CA speaking French and looking like a bald, fat Marlin Brando with a Messiah complex; proceeds to start Weight Watchers.

Marc moves to Lowell, MA where he spends most of the 60s and early 70s watching repeats of The Wonder Years on BlueRay and wondering where those years are exactly.

Now on BlueRay!

The Sixties!
During these years in the wilderness for the two prestidigitatoresque Bumble founders Ilia and Allie take care of the day to day governance of Bumble Nation.  Traveling the United States in a magic yellow bus with a group of Bumblers and selling education books door to door made out of blotter paper they spawn 1000s of Love Children and future Bumblers in the lower 48 and the province of Alberta.

Bumblepuss First Art Car

1976 – Soup, Marc Allie & Ilia meet up at a Bob’s BigBoy in Burbank and decide over a Decadent Hot Fudge Cake and a side of Onion Rings the time is right to re-unite the Bumble diaspora in a mass ceremony to take place in Korea.  Several diners and two short order cooks The Buffer and Quayle overhear the conversation and go on to play leading roles in the development of Modern Bumblepuss as well as discovering solar power and radium.

Bumblepuss Reunites! Onion Rings!

1986 –  Soup meets Scott, an early HBGB Healer, at a ski convention in Aspen.  Scott shares tantric secrets with Soup.  Soup decides Scott doesn’t have enough ‘O’s but too many ‘T’s in his name and thus he becomes Scooter.  Both men witness Massimiliano Blardone conquer Beaver Creek and decide they are horrible skiers and soon leave the industry.  Nectar Village is formed.

1989 – Soup and Marc are put on trial for their part in attempting to turn the East German Stasi into an Amway distributorship – the Berlin Wall falls soon afterwards.

Next – Part Two – from Galvanized Corpses to Steambath and Epiphany’s First Date.

Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’

The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger.  “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”

The four new security measures are as follows:

1.  Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained  with taser rifles.  Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus.  “We’ve wanted these for years.”

When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore

2. All fencing will be electrified.

50,000 Watts of Goodwill

3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.

More Burners Please

4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates  on their arms.

There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon

At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.

“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”

“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”

Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.

Editors Note: ‘A Brief History of Burning Man’  is a short historical novella that will be published on this site in serial form over the next several weeks leading up to the Burn of 2011.

Introduction by The Cubitron

Up and down.  Sideways. Left to Right then cascade like Atari’s logo motherfuckers.   Now real fast Diagonal.  Up again. Then over. Then back to the center then DOUBLE DIAGONAL! One in purple changing to white the other red turning into wait for it, wait for it OMG OMG Orange!  Such a lovely orange.  No breaks for you – I keep going all night.  256 color VGA monitor colors zooming all over as you lay on the ground next to your friends and hopeful lays – pupils dilated like it’s 1999 and DanceSafe just turned your pill black.  You don’t mind laying on your back on the hard cold playa looking up all in my admittedly colorful junk? That’s cool.  All I ask is that those hippies stop beating their drums for just like 10 minutes man- drink some water man – talk about it, drink some more water, eat some of that cous cous in your Camelback – plus your drumming is getting all wiped out by those Electro Techno Disco beats flying out those big speakers attached to the Unimog. Drums beat in mass usually the center of aural attention at most events but not here – relegated as a distance thudding though only 30 feet over to the right where you think you left your bike.

Some people tell me stories as they lay under me.  This one fellow told me fantastical stories of BurningMan past.  Of recent excavations of Stonehenge where they found a dusty black vest with a spoon on the back of it in primitive el-wire – the first Burn he postulated and I believe quite rightly as I was there dazzling druids from way up in the sky with northern lights brought south for the solstice and Labor Day celebrations.  Dirty Druids and their drums.  He rambled on about war criminals, DPW, Peter Seeger fans and black bears until the sun started to come up and he remembered he had to cook breakfast for a lot of people. He stayed a little longer to tell the tale of the chicken korma made in a dust storm that fed hundreds even though it was only made for 60. The night turned to dawn quickly and thanking me for listening he got up – dusted off his back and we exchanged e-mails.  That’s how he got a hold of me to write this introduction which I was happy to do as I have a lot of down time here in Tahoe.

Enjoy the tales he told me and make those recipes, something I am unable to do, most involve bacon so it has to be good.  All were made in ad hoc fly by night desert kitchens often after nights and days of courageous amounts partying so it can’t be that hard on your playa dust free kitchen with your clean dishes.

Enjoy!

Yours Lovingly,
The Cubitron


Gerlach, NV (CN) – Consumptive NewsWire have received word that Burning Man Corp. will announce four new security measures tomorrow in response to the uproar by ticketless Burners, the F&P Downgrade and Riots underway in London.

Stay Tuned to ConsumptionBlog.com for live coverage tomorrow as the new measures are announced.

Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) –  Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.

Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night.  “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland.  If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”

F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale.  At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream.  Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.

F&P Bacon Shuffle Algorithm

F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.”  Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling,  “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”

According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade.  “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”

“As Goes Black Rock City, So Goes the World” Herodotus

Burning Man is in full fledged freak out mode.

Don’t buy the calm, slightly sarcastic repose of the Burning Man organizers.  They are shaking in their dusty black boots.

Burning Man is having a crisis not seen since Larry Harvey decided to hold the Burn of 1916 in Verdun in an ill conceived scheme to save money on fireworks.

Here is but a short list of press reports documenting that event in the desert slightly north of Reno slow decent into chaos:

Tickets are sold out and Burners are rioting


The Man has been exposed as being foreign born

Trance music is at an all time low

Obama has sold his Burning Man tickets yet again.


You can now find your friends easily on the playa.

Ghaddafi to appear in the Thunderdome

PETA has filed suite against Burning Man

New Age Survival Backpacks Selling Like Hotcakes 

Washington, DC (CN) – As America plunged toward Debtpocalypse rumors swirled on Capitol Hill that debt default could result in more tickets for Burning Man preventing Playapocalpyse.  As usual rumors and last minute negotiations in Washington, DC are Byzantine and abusive to any common standards of language and decency but Mark Smith an analyst from the think tank American’s for Excellence in Prosperity puts forward the case:

“Burning Man was forced to sell out by the Bureau of Land Management (BLM); limiting tickets to 50,000.   BLM is a federal agency of a piddling 10,000 employees. If the Federal Government defaults BLM will be unable to enforce the ticket limit and Burning Man Corp can simply sell more tickets at the gate,” explained Smith.  “At least that’s what I’m hoping.  You don’t have an extra ticket do you?”

Asked how pervasive this rumor is in Washington DC, Smith, who goes by the playa name ‘Dusty Shill’ speculated “It’s all over the place, I just heard it twice at Eastern Market and it was all young staffers could talk about last night at The Big Hunt.”

Consumptive NewsWire had no way to verify this rumor.  BLM offices were closed on Sunday and unavailable for comment.  Burning Man staff were attending Sunday services at the Cornerstone Evangelical Baptist Church just off the 280 as is their usual custom.

Burning Man Ticket Rumor Updates Here as we get them.

Washington, DC (CN) – As promised President Obama has placed his two Burning Man tickets up for sale to the highest bidder as part of last minute debt ceiling negotiations.  Four days remain on bidding with the highest bid at press time being $8,000.

How High Will the Bidding Go?

“We expect the bidding to go much higher as people panic in the final hours,” said Larry Summers, Chief White House Asset Stripper through a spokesperson.

Obama has said all money from the sale of the two tickets will go to debt relief.

Keep coming back for more updates on this developing story as they happen.